billies girl

old matresses

before we go to billies home we must first stop to get the rest of my things.

the ride back to the house made my anxiety boil up, feeling as if rubber bands were wrapped tightly around my lungs and my heart was pumping strong black coffee rather than blood. even though i was promised that mark wouldn't be there i was just as scared of mary. she had watched every ounce of abuse that happened in that house, not just the things that happened to me but to the other foster kids who had been there prior to myself.

billie must have noticed my discomfort, placing her hand on my thigh "don't stress mama. we will be in n out." she smiles softly "you don't even have to go in if you don't want to."

"no, i should." i laid my hand over hers.

once we pull back into the driveway of the home my stomach turns and my sight goes dizzy momentarily. billie notices once more and suggests i stay in the car but i decide against it. apart of me wanted the closure, i wanted to go in there confidently and make a statement, i wanted mary to see what her silence caused.

i stepped out of the car and followed billie to the door, she knocked lightly taking a step back. mary opened the door quickly, looking at me for a second and frowning "your things are still downstairs." she tells me, her voice is almost sympathetic but still has a lack of meaning.

the sight of my old bedroom only makes my anxiety increase, my blood poorly scrubbed from the carpet and the bedside table now empty, the lamp probably long gone by now. i sat on the bed hiding my face in my hands.

"it's okay." i hear her whisper then the sound of clothes being shoved into a garbage bag "i know it's a lot but after today you're never gonna have to be here again." she assured me.

she was right, that day this chapter of my life would close. even though i would soon be shipped off to the mental recovery group home it was much better than being here with mark.

i stood up helping her pack the remaining things away. once we were done she pulled me into a long hug, she whispered sweet nothings into my ear, her fingers tangled in my hair.

"let's get out of here, please." i ask her, my voice soft but not yet a whisper.

she nods, kissing my cheek then pulling away from me. she grabs the garage bag then takes my hand leading the two of us out. mary waits for us at the door.

"i'm sorry, y/n." she says.

my heart drops to my stomach, i open my mouth but no words come out.

"you didn't deserve any of this." she adds.

"you just...watched." i say "you just, sat there and watched him."

she doesn't reply "when he was busting in my fucking head you didn't do anything! you didn't even call the cops, i had to get my girlfriend to do it? are you kidding me? i would have died, dude." my voice slowly starts to raise.

"i'm sorry." mary replies simply.

"i don't care." i tell her "just, for the love of god, don't let him do that shit to anyone else. stop taking fosters, don't have kids, don't adopt, don't let that abusive idiot get his hands on another kid."

she nods apologizing again then sending us off. once we get back in the car i feel the tears finally start to fall. billie leans over to hug me, trying her best to help me feel better.

"babe, that was so badass." she tells me as she starts to back out of the drive way "i'm so fucking proud of you."

i smile back at her "that was so scary."

"couldn't even tell you were scared." she looks over to me "let's get you home." she says.

-
i fell asleep half way through the car ride, waking up in billies bed.  an old queen bed with  curtains draped over it, hiding the inside