Desolation

forty six

"Why?"

That was all that slipped past her lips as she pushed me away, putting more distance between us yet again.

"What do you mean why?"

"Why did you have to tell me that? Why do you even love me? And why bring it up right now?" she looked at me as if I had hurt her immensely by what I had said.

"You really don't understand, do you?" I tugged my fingers through my hair frustratedly.

She looked at me like everything that came out of my mouth made absolutely no sense to her and I tried to find the right words in order to make her understand why I finally confessed what I had.

"Rose," I started heavily, "You don't understand the way I look at you, how you have become the sole reason for my happiness. Whenever I look at you I have to think about something else because all I want to do is kiss you. You're full of light, courage and optimism and I just, fuck, I need to be around you. I completely lose my mind when I don't see you for days or when I don't hear a single thing from you. I don't have an exact reason for why I love you, I just do.

The first time I kissed you. One kiss and I was totally hooked, addicted to you. I don't think I could ever love anyone the way I love you," her gaze was fixed on me and for the love of God, I couldn't even bring myself to think what was going through her head. "I'm pretty sure I'm not doing a very great job at expressing myself but that's just how I feel, you mean so much to me, I can't possibly bring myself to explain it through mere words. What I'm trying to say is," I took a deep breath before continuing, "I'm done passing up on an opportunity to tell you that my heart is invested in you."

"Stephen, you can't possibly love me. I'm so sorry but there's so much you don't even know about me," her expression was guarded, eyebrows scrunching up together and her hands were firmly clasped together. Her entire body seemed stiff and I could see as all the emotions left her dark eyes, leaving behind a cold and reserved demeanor.

"I know how strong headed you are. I know the tough situations you've been through. I know you don't let anyone tell you what to do and you don't let anyone get to your head. I know how scared you are of commitment. I know how you like your morning coffee. I know you have an intense obsession with Nike. I know how much you think Alex Turner is a babe. I know you have a deep meaning behind every ink that graces your skin. I know how much you love your cars. I know you forget to eat when you're stressed. I know you can't sit in one place for a prolonged period of time because you get bored out of your mind and you're just restless like that. I know the reason behind that tiny scar under your chin. I know all you need is a cigarette when you have too much on your mind and maybe a punching bag. I know you can run faster than me even though I was a professional football player," I breathed out heavily while still not moving my gaze away from hers.

I noticed her jaw clench and the way her knuckles turned white from gripping the edge of the counter too hard. I knew what she was thinking but that didn't seem to stop me at all as I continued on.

"I know you can shoot someone's brains out without even having to concentrate. I know how hard you've worked to reach where you are today. I know how much you hated it when I called you Rose initially but eventually you didn't even bat an eye when that was the only name I used. I know how touchy feely you get when you're drunk. I know your favorite color. I know you smell like vanilla and cinnamon all the goddamn time. I know how distant and cold you can get towards someone. I know you're scared of love. I know opening up to someone scares the shit out of you. I know you bottle up your emotions very well and that's exactly what you're doing right now. You're hiding from me and yourself, Rose."