Olikase Oneshots

Distorted Perception

Trigger Warning: This chapter contains hints to depression, particularly usage of depressive/toxic thoughts. If you get triggered by that, is it best to not proceed any further. Thank you for your understanding. 

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Fukase has logged in the chat.

Fukase's hands shook nervously as he noticed Oliver being online as well. The blond didn't seem to have noticed his lover's presence so far. Fukase was afraid he would any second though, and yet, he couldn't bring himself to quickly log off. It has been weeks the last time they exchanged words and Fukase didn't know how to approach Oliver. All he knew was that he terribly missed the blond. His voice, his kind words, just everything.

An essential part of his life seemed to have been torn out of Fuase's hands when he thought about it. Every day was a useless one, another one to bring him down even more. Without Oliver by his side, Fukase didn't know what to do. In his eyes, there was nothing left anymore.

Fukase missed Oliver when he woke up. He missed him when he went to bed. He missed him when he secretly checked on him at work. He missed him the most when he logged on their chat to read through the conversations they have already shared together. All of this light-hearted happiness seemed to have faded now long ago. Fukase couldn't conclude why that was. It was not time itself or an argument that separated them bit by bit. One day, Fukase cut off the contact. Sometimes he wasn't too sure himself why he did that, but on days like today, he remembered again.

Fukase quietly sobbed as he felt his chest aching once again. This deep feeling of longing built up inside of him again. His eyes continued to pierce Oliver's status. Online. If only he could talk to Oliver. The redhead didn't know what he would say to his lover, but simply spending time together would make him so much happier. Fukase knew to restrain himself though. He had to.

He's better off without you.

All you do is bring him pain eventually. You always do.

Fukase let these words resonate in his head for a while. He was about to nod affirmative once again, believing every word he spoke to himself day by day, but something stopped him today. This time he couldn't look at Oliver's contact with teary eyes and simply accept to have to leave the blond alone. That was, because certain memories invaded Fukase's mind suddenly. Memories to persuade him from the opposite. He pictured Oliver's genuine smile in front of his eyes and gulped hard.

"That's...not true."

Of course it is. How many other people do you have to screw up until you understand?

Fukase squinted his eyes. Another dagger in his heart. Fukase recalled the many other times he spent time with former friends. People who left him all alone eventually. Fukase blamed their farewell solely as his fault. He clearly had his reasons to - is what he told himself at least. Bad memories invaded his mind now as well, but not strong enough to completely eliminate his foolish grasp of hope for Oliver to still wish for Fukase's return.

"But I know he misses me."

Pfft, and that's exactly why he looked so upbeat the other day? Look how sick you are, thinking other people depend on you in order to be happy.

With a lump in his throat Fukase didn't manage to get rid of, the redhead exhaled in pain and frowned. Memories from his last 'encounter' with Oliver dwelled up. Fukase's chest ached even more when thinking about it.

"You're right...Oliver does seem happy, maybe even happier without me."

Anyone is without you interfering in other people's life.

Get it in your head. No one needs you. Oliver the least of all.

Fukase remained silent and let these words seep down his mind. Often this thought has crossed his mind. He slowly started to believe it. His sudden decision to take distance from anyone – Oliver in particular – initially wasn't supposed to confirm this in any way. Fukase simply wanted time to deal with his thoughts by himself. Little did he know back then this act slowly turned into a weapon against himself. Seeing everyone continuing with their life like nothing happened hurt him...and only confirmed his toxic thoughts eventually.

You dependable idiot, you love him, don't you? So why do you keep staying by his side when you know you only ruin his life?

You shouldn't have intruded in his life in the first place. In no one's, the best.

You should just finally –

「Oh, Fukase! 」

「You're back.」

Fukase blinked in shock and stared at his screen. It wasn't just his imagination, but Oliver actually texted him. Rereading these words over and over again, tears dripped down Fukase's face. Despite his inner longing for the blond, he couldn't respond. He couldn't dare to say anything hurtful now. Fukase frowned in pain and moved his shaky hands up the screen. 

"...this voice is right."

Fukase has left the chat.