Nothing feels exactly real anymore. It feels like everyone is fake, and I shouldn't get close to anyone. The people I choose to trust is my family, whom I love and adore even if I pretend that I hate at times or say I do in the moments. Friends, I don't feel close to any of them. Even if I tell them dark secrets in exchange for their own, I don't feel close. I just say it to say it with no consequences. My top priorities in life have been my family and success for the future. I try to aim high without pushing myself, but—at times, if I don't, I assure myself I am planning for failure at times. I remember my dad yelling at me, telling me I wasn't trying hard enough with my studies because I nearly got a C- before turning it to a B- before the quarter ended and got into the A-B Honor Roll. When I retaliated and told him I was trying my hardest. He told me, "No, then it's not your hardest, try harder." For some reason, it didn't sit well with me, but I let it get to me. The next quarter, I got all A's except for one B+ and then the next quarter, all A's. I felt so proud, but I felt so tired. It scared me. Would success in the future only come to me if I tired myself out continuously? And then, there was the rest of school with people. I joked, and talked- like I knew what I was saying. But, I didn't. I just really wanted to fit in. The idea of people judging me because I'm alone scares me. I pretended boys were my biggest issues, like, I actually cared for it. Yes, of course, boys and romance was a subject I used to get away from studies and family pressure, but I never truly cared for it. When I rant about boys, I pretend like I'm so heartbroken, but I don't trully care too much. I act like friend drama is the worst, but I don't think so. All of it...a part of it feels like some sort of schedule I have to go by. I tire myself out. Sometimes for the public eye. Sometimes for my own needs. All until I suppose I pass. So, nothing feels real anymore...
