Breathing Brown

twenty three

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Listen to: Dive - Ed Sheeran
While reading this chapter
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I remember William Penn once said 'The jealous are troublesome to others, but a torment to themselves.' And if that quote doesn't sum up the situation that happened five minutes ago, I don't know what does. I sit here in math class and draw never ending lines that all uniquely intertwine in some way. I just can't stop thinking about Jordan and what Ashton said. He said i'm something real. What does that even mean?! I thought Jordan and Ashton broke up months ago, so why the hell is she attacking me. I really wish I was still that invisible girl sometimes.

"Tay," I feel a warm hand rest gently on my shoulder, looking up, Ella's eyes greet mine.

"Jordan's a bitch." I say as I notice the classroom is completely empty. How long was I here?

"She really is." Ella bends down next to me and comfortingly rests her hand on my back. "But she's just mad because you've got everything she doesn't have. You've first off got her dream boy, you've got a great sense of humor, you're smart, and lastly, you're stunning. She's jealous." I feel my eyes tear up as I rush into ella's embrace, hugging her tightly.

"I love you Ell." I say into her hair.

"I love you too." She let's go and breaks the hug. "Now, lets get you home shall we." I smile and agree. We walk to her car but I still can't shake Ashton off my mind. I slide into the passengers seat and feel the soon familiar dread and sadness waft around in the atmosphere of the car. Or maybe it's just the cold air blasting violently into my face, either way though, I wish this sinking feeling would just disappear.

As we drive, I catch Ella taking worried glances at me every red light or stop sign. Usually I'd be able to take a deep breath and hold my feelings in like a soldier trying to protect his fortress, but not this time. This time, I train my eyes towards the window. I worry that if I let my mind slip from focusing on my breathing, then a flood of tears will pour down my eyes like a busted fire hydrant.

If love is strong, then why do I feel weak? Do I even love him? I cant even bring myself to say his damn name.

I could live, I could die
hangin on the words you say.

The songs lyrics dig their way into my heart, souls, maybe even my own mind. My cheeks heat up and I quickly hold my breath. Ella continues driving down the outstretched road. She doesn't question me or bother me, and I'm thankful for that.

So don't call me baby, unless you mean it.
And don't tell me you need me, if you don't believe it.

Something about feeling so powerless, so inferior, so scared. My shoulders loosen up as I see we've arrived to my house, the one place where I feel powerful, important, brave. I look over at Ella and try my best to pull off a smile that says "I'll be fine bro, I swear", but I don't think it's convincing because Ella embraces me into one last and tight hug.

"I'll see you tomorrow Tay." She says.

"As always." I say softly with a small smile and head inside. Throwing my backpack and everything else out of my way, I fall onto my bed and feel all my anxiety flood around me.