All Night || d.t

Happiness

*Your POV*

»How do you feel?« he asks when I back off with his hand between my hair and his thumb on my cheek.
I wish I could smile and tell him that I'm fine but I can't.

No I'm not crazy, suicidal and freaking out anymore but I still feel the same. I look up at him and shake my head slowly. »Not so good..« I say and realize how weak and raw my voice is.

My throat is literally burning like nothing else. This is the first time I'm talking after screaming all the time last night and crying and making these noises..

I get a huge headache when I think about last night. It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe.. it makes me feel wounded and weak..
I close my eyes but open them again.

»I'm sorry if I scared you yesterday..« I say looking at him totally guilty. I feel bad for putting him into that situation.

»I didn't know what to do and how to act.. you know that isn't me..« I say and look away but then I look at him again because I want him to know that I'm serious with this and that I actually mean it because I really appreciate how patient he's with me.

»And I did not give up on us. I would never. What happens around us has nothing to do with us. You know that I love you mor than anything and that I would die for you..« I say with a shaking voice and he smiles softly.

»I'm sorry if I hurt you..« I say and I feel like crying again but I don't think that I have any tears or the energy left to do that right now.

I've been acting so bad.. I mean I threw something after him screaming that I'd hate him.. how could I do that?

I would never do that.. I don't know what's been going on through my mind in that moment. I don't want to experience something close to that ever again.

»You didn't hurt me. It's fine. I can understand you. I told you I'd always be there for you.« he says keeping his smile. I don't deserve him. Not even a bit.. he deserves so much better..

»I only want you to be fine.. and yes you scared me. Seeing you like that.. killed me.. done do that ever again.« he says really sad but still serious.

I can already imagine that it makes him angry and I know he has the right to be angry so I just nod and close my eyes when he kisses my forehead.

»Do you want me to drive you to the hospital later?« he ask and I freeze for a second. I don't really know if I'm ready for that or if I still want that.. maybe it's better if I don't see him at all and just stay here.. watch it from outside..

Yes I am sad but I'm more than angry because he was going to leave Tyler behind.. how can someone be so selfish. Doesn't matter if one of his kids disappeared and his wife left him.

He still has one fucking kid to take care of. That makes me so fucking mad. No I don't think I'm even sad anymore. I'm just upset and pissed.

Yes I'd probably break if he would die but I'm so done with this world.. everything made me a little colder and I'm not a crybaby anymore.

I look into his eyes and shake my head. »I don't want to go there.« I say and he furrows his eyebrows a little confused. »Are you sure? I could get you in there without any problems at this time.« he says making sure if I'm sure.

I nod: »I'm sure. I don't want to. I don't want to see Tyler and him suffering and feel even worse.« I say and he takes a deep breath. »If you say so.. you can still change your mind.« he says and back off slowly..