Chew ✔

•25•

Cira Castello

I try so hard. 

I really do. 

That's a thing of mine. I have a huge fear of failing. 

Which is kinda ironic if you think about it. 

A fat girl scared of failing. Isn't being fat failure in being a human being. Isn't true success being lean, thin, toned, no rolls, no cellulite, no stretch marks. But I mean who really decided that. Who decided I was a lazy ass, who let herself go, who didn't care about my well being. 

Who decided that, because if they knew- God if they knew. 

At thirteen I would find myself scrolling through pro anna accounts, reposting thinspo. Staring at beautiful girls who glamorized starvation- wishing I was so thin that people worried about me. I had an appetite for perfection, and I was craving an eating disorder. 

Years of name calling and bullying finally got to me. I wanted to prove everyone wrong.

Starving lasted two days before my mama caught on. She stopped that so quick, cooking up some of my favorite comfort foods, and than together we curled up in front of the tv, where she made me watch- When Friendship Kills, Sharing the Secret, For the Love of Nancy, and finally Perfect body. Which by the way, all scared the shit out of me- until I eventually cried at the mere thought.

Than on she helped me make healthy meals, got me a gym membership- I had a new goal. To be happy.

And happiness is success right?

But now I'm failing now. I'm failing as an ex-girlfriend, friend, human- Keeping that secret about Will. My heart literally pounds when I see him in the halls, I feel like throwing up- cause god- I'm not helping him. I'm hurting him instead. This secret is hurting him, his family. I can't even bring myself to tell Lyla and Anna, because I feel so ashamed. 

I stare at my reflection in my mirror, I can't help but notice the concealer that's been caked on to hide the bags under my eyes. My hair its- I run my fingers through it, but everyone just feels so wrong. 

I feel so wrong. 

Yeah sure, I'm body confident. I'm a curvy girl and proud. But I have my bad days you know.

Days when I want to curl up in my covers and cry, where everything fits me so wrong. Day's when I'm embarrassed, ashamed of my own skin. Days when I wish I didn't give up at thirteen. 

Bullying really stays with you. Nicknames like Dumpty Lumpy, Chub-Chub Cira. You know they stick with you.

I do love myself though. I know I'm beautiful even If I don't feel like I am. There's a difference you know. When you really know something.