Monty After Dark

Chapter 26

I knocked on Chan's door. She didn't answer, but it was unlocked. I let myself in. "Chan, are you awake? It's me, Matty." It felt weird announcing myself, but I didn't want to scare her and make her think I was a robber or something. I didn't hear her, but the TV was going in the living room. She was lying down on the couch, and seemed to be asleep. There was an empty bottle of vodka beside her on the floor. I shook her a little to wake her. She was startled, sat up in a hurry and then threw up everywhere.

"Oh, babe, no," I said, running to the kitchen to grab paper towels. She was still looking a little dazed when I came back and she looked up at me and burst into tears. I cleaned the mess on the floor and used another paper towel to wipe off her face. I ran back to the kitchen and got her a glass of water. She sat beside me on the couch, clutching my hand and sipping from the glass.

"Come on, let's go upstairs," I said. "I'll get the water. Come on, I'll help you." She leaned on me as we went up the stairs, stopping on the landing for her to catch her balance. I sat her on the bed, taking off her puked-on hoodie and getting another one from the closet. I wrapped her in a quilt, then pulled back the comforter so she could get into bed.

"I'm sorry, I'm a mess," she said, still crying. "I'm the worst, I'm the worst."

"No you're not. You're not a mess and you're definitely not the worst. You're the best. The best person I have ever met. You're the best kisser, the best photographer and the best cuddler. You take care of me every day, so now it's my turn to take care of you." I stroked her hair and reached down to kiss her forehead.

"You don't have to do this," she mumbled. "I'm just a mess."

"I don't have to, I want to. There's a big difference. I want to because I love you, and because it's what my heart is telling me to do."

"Matty," she whispered. "You're my angel." Her eyes were closed and I could tell she was just about asleep. I didn't want her to see me cry, but it caught my throat to hear someone say that about me. Who would ever love me? I'm nobody special. I'm just a kid with no mom whose dad can't stand him. I slipped down under the covers and Chan cuddled up next to me.

Several hours later, I was woken up by her coughing and choking, trying hard to breath. She was crying and shaking. "What's wrong? What's wrong? Chan, what's going on?" I wrapped my arms around her.

"Nightmare," she said into my chest. "I get them. Sometimes. A lot. Usually when you're not here. But I guess now when you're here, too." She sighed.

"This happens a lot?" I asked. I felt bad. "Is there anything I can do?"

"You are," she said. "I promise, I'm not making this up, I have been doing a lot better since you've been staying here. I think maybe I was just afraid tonight."

"Afraid of what?" I asked. I kept my voice soft and tried to calm her, rubbing her shoulder and stroking her hair.

"No," she said, hiding her face. "Nothing."

"It's not nothing, talk to me, I'm here. What's going on?"

"I just realised how dumb and selfish I am, and you're just trying to be a normal kid, and I'm sitting at home crying because I don't want you to be gone."

"Hey! I'm not gone. I'm here, I'm not going anywhere. I know what I did tonight was douchey, and I hate that I can't bring you to shit, because other people are assholes and don't understand. Trust me, if I hadn't met Mel a couple weeks ago, I wouldn't have gone with anyone, but she is genuinely trying to be my friend, and I've never really had a girl try to be just a friend before, so I'm trying not to fuck it up. And since when do you think I'm a normal kid?"

"I don't know, I just keep trying to tell myself I need to be the adult here, and make good choices, and you're just a kid and you don't need to be in my mess."

"You're no more of a mess than I am. Jesus Christ, I'll be 17 next week, and I feel like I'm 35. How many other kids at my school do you think literally have to feed, clothe and care for themselves on a daily basis?"

She didn't say anything. I debated if I should say something about what Shel said.

"Chan, I need to ask you something, it's not totally random, but ... do you go to therapy?"

"Yes, for a couple years now," she said. "I have a hard time with these nightmares and stuff since ... yeah. But I find it helps, yes. Why? Are you thinking of going to therapy?"

"Ah, I kind of already am. Carts set me up to see this doctor from his team, he's cool, he's like a sports psychologist or whatever, he comes by my school and we chat."

"That's awesome, I'm really glad, that's a big step for you. It definitely isn't easy, so I'm really proud of you for taking the plunge. Are you finding it helpful so far?"

"I don't know, I mean it's nice to have someone to talk to, like bounce shit off of and see what he thinks about stuff, but some of the shit he says is a bit whack." It was quiet. Here it goes. "He thinks the reason I'm so attracted to you is because I have some kind of issue about my mom leaving and then Mrs. Murphy passing away, and now you're here... It sounds like crap to me, I mean, what kind of guy wants to sleep with his mother?"

Chan laughed. "Oldest story in the book. Haven't you ever read the Greek tragedies? Oedipus Rex?"

"No," I said. "But apparently, I should?"

"Maybe he just means that you miss the feeling of having someone who takes care of you and nurtures you, and that without your mom around, you feel like you don't get that from anyone?"

"Maybe, but I also always felt like the skanks from school were just trying to use me because I'm a jock and have cool friends and go to cool parties, but I don't, really, because I think most of that is garbage. And like, they don't want me, they just want the image of me. You're not concerned with my image at all, you actually like me, Matty, the real person."

"Of course I do. You're smart, and independent, and ambitious. Those are all things that you should be proud of yourself for. Oh. And of course, most importantly, lacrosse Rookie of the Year," she said playfully. She was smiling now, I could see how her eyes had changed in the moonlight coming in the window. I felt better, I felt relaxed. I felt comfortable. Chan made me feel like I was finally home, after years of searching.

"What did you mean ..." I started. "When you said I'm your angel?"

"Oh, I said that out loud?" she asked, embarrassed.

"Yes, but I liked it."

"You've saved me. A lot of times. You've made me see things that I couldn't see."

"I know what it's like to feel worthless. And like nobody wants you. I don't ever want you to feel like that, ever again."

"You're not worthless, either. You're worth everything, to me."

She snuggled me to her. I felt safe.

"Matt," she started. "I think maybe you should try to find your mother one of these days. When you're ready."

I didn't say anything. I just wanted to sleep.