Suffering {COMPLETED}

Damage

April pov

"Have you took your morning pills Ms.Jones?"
"No, I haven't." I said looking down. "You need too, and Mr.Carter will be here soon. So get ready." She said.

I got out of the bed and took the pill. I looked down and cried quietly. I walked to the restroom and handled my business. They said I was suicidal and had a dipolar disorder and depression. Sometimes I go into a trauma about Cal and Justice. Everything he's done, and it's like everyday I feel the pain, I see the images, and I hear the sounds of the day of the wreck. Images of Justice death when I held her, when I laid her-laid her down, and before John and I closed the top for good. Nothing is getting easier for me.

"April, baby where are you? You in here?" John called. "Coming." I said. I washed my face and grabbed my towel walking out. "Hey." He smiled. "Hey baby. I'm here how's everything?"
"Just-trying to see the good in everything. I'm ok I guess." I said putting the towel away.

I walked to my bed and sat Indian style. "I have a surprise for you." He smiled and opened the door and one, two, and three came to me holding their toys. "Mommy!" They said together running towards the bed. I got down off the bed and got on my knees. I hugged them with all I had. Kissing their cheeks making them giggle. "Mama missed you guys, how are you?"
"Missed you." Jayson said playing with my fingers. "I missed you too son."
"You stay here? Are you coming back with us? And daddy?" He asked.
"Not right now. I will soon."
"Jaylah you been good?" I asked in my accent I had. "Yes." She smiled. "How 'bout you boy?" I tickled Jaylon tummy making him laugh. "Yeah."
"That's good. Don't be giving daddy a hard time."
They roamed around the room, John had them dressed in red today. They were so cute. "Have you notice how the kids kinda have that accent? Not strong like yours when you do it, but it's there." John stated. "Yes, that's good that they do. Have something to hear when I'm gone, that sounds like me."
"What you talking about April?"
"I don't plan on coming back home just as soon. I need to go somewhere and find myself. My true self. Going back home John, just for a while so I can get away from here and all the damn shit that's been going on."
"Maybe we should do it together. The kids and I, we as a family. We can use a trip. We need it. I need it as well."
I looked at him and nodded my head. "Alright." I sigh.

~

I got to spend time with the kids and I got to outside with them. The smiles on their faces brung joy to heart. Jaylah hair is getting so long, she has so much. John's been keeping the boys hair nicely done as well. They were all over me being all silly, they had to leave soon because I did.

"Ready?" I smiled. They were all on my back holding onto me as I moved slowly as if I was a horse. I heard them giggling and having a ball up there. I moved a little faster and kept in going. "Mommy go to daddy!" Jaylon laughed.

I crawled over to him and the kids were yelling daddy. I approached him and the kids got up. I stood on my knees and John had this look in his eyes, like he was- just really happy. He leaned down and kissed my lips.

"Me too mommy." Jayson pointed to his lips. I gave him a quick peck and he hugged my arm. "Hey." I grabbed Jayson arm, and held his head up. "You know I love you right? Your my baby boy." I hugged him and he hugged me back. "Love you-too."

I got up and stood next to John. "Really miss you April. I want you to know that I'm hurting a lot. Just as you are."
"I've been selfish of my feelings and forgetting about you. I'm sorry."
"No, it's fine. I understand your point of view of things. I'm just feeling the lost of our child, but you feel as if it was your fault."
"It is though." I looked up at him. "No it's not." He shook his head. "John, everything has backfired at me. It's because of me."
"April, I want you to understand you didn't kill her. You didn't do anything baby...You were simply trying to get home, he hit you, Justice didn't make it. Yes I understand you feel like that you had something to do with it because of Cal. Cal did it because of you-"
"How do you know so much? How do you even know all that?" I turned my head back to the kids then back at him. How did he know this stuff. "I just know." He lied. "John.."
"I just know because I'm your husband. You hide bits of pieces, and I put two and two together."
And he lied again. I know it in his voice. "Have they been telling you things?"
"April, look at the kids." He laughed.
"John."
"April look." He pointed. And I saw them trying to get on each other backs.
"April, it's time." My nurse said.
"Ok, let me say goodbye to the kids. Be there in a minute."

"Little Carters! Come here." They looked at me and ran over here. I had my arms wide open and I hugged them. "I love you so much, I have to go I'll see you soon."
They said goodbye and we shared some kisses. I walked them halfway before I had to go.

~

John pov

I sat down and just listened. I had a monitor in there they allowed me to listen in, but April had no clue. I listened carefully at each word. "Do you want to divorce him? Truly out your heart?" A long pause....still nothing. "I do." She said softly. "Are you sure? Why?"
"Because I just keep hurting him. Putting him through too much and he's a good man, a good father, and he's missing a good woman. I'm a total wreck.."
"When you married him did you feel this way?"
"Well, John tried to marry me when the kids were like 6,7,8 months I don't recall. But, he tried to marry me but I had said no because I wasn't ready. But before I got pregnant again with my 4th child Justice, he asked again and I said yes. I was ready. Deep down w was ready to be his, Cal was out the picture I had nothing to worry about at all, my life was good. I had daughter...she should be one. She should be here. I was ready to marry him the second time, but now since everything I just can't further this relationship, this marriage when I can't even handle myself. I try to heal, I try- John the kids, but it's all my fault. And I just can't go home like I didn't cause all this...because I did." Her voice cracking then I heard her soft cries. I got up and knocked on the door.

I nodded my head, and walked over to her. I just hugged her nothing said. I hugged her and she cried. "I'll give you two some space."

I rubbed her back and rocked her side to side slowly. She keeps her ring off, she gave it to me. I just keep it the box it came in when I proposed.
"I want you to know- that I love you. I don't blame anything on you at all. None of this. I want you to stay with me, you are my woman. It's okay if you feel wrecked, I'm your husband and through sickness, through death, through whatever I'm going to love you. I've been listening to you, that's how I know so much. None of this is your fault, nothing is. I love you, I love you, I love you." I kissed her head and hugged a little tighter. "I'm with you with you forever."
"John you have to find real happiness and it's not me. Please, do it for the kids and yourself."
"But I am happy, I'm happy with you. Through all the pain, I'm still happy because when I see your smile it makes me smile. I-I don't want-don't wanna loose you." I wiped my face from the tears that had fallen.
"I'm not the one."

I just kept holding onto her I raised her head and I kissed her lips. "You are the one. If you weren't I would have been divorced you. I'm still here and you're trying to leave me and I'm trying to get you to stay." I smiled wiping her face. "Because what happened to our daughter she's gone." She cried even harder. Unsteady breathing I tried to calm her down. The only reason why she can't move on because it's traumatizing her and I don't know what else to do.

Flashback

"I appreciate everything, your like a mother to me. It's like your her, like when you speak to me so soft like that. Brings peace to me. Sometimes I think my mother is in you." She laughed.
"Maybe, I was your mother Bestfriend. I picked up things from her and sometimes I think she is too."
"Talking to you really helps...thank you." I watched from downstairs and saw her wiping her eyes. She embraced her with a hug and I smiled.

End of flash back

I knew only person who could help April, hopefully..