Suffering {COMPLETED}

Guilt

A year later~

John pov

"I got you, don't worry." I smiled as I helped her into the shower. "Daddy, how come I can't take bath with Jayson and Jaylon?" She asked. "Because you guys are getting too big, and plus you get all the toys to yourself!"
"But I like playing with them." She adding bubbles to the water. "I know, but my mother is going to handle them. I'll play toys with you."
I grabbed her toys and placed them in. "Mommy coming home now?"
I looked at her and just poured the water down her back from the water I had in a cup. I watched her look at me for a answer. "Huh?" She asked. "Answer me."
"Did you grab the soap?"
"Oh no, I forgot." She got up holding onto me. I watched her making sure she wouldn't slip or anything. "Alright, wash off. Everywhere. You remember our song?"
"Between your toes, and up we go! All around your body! Wash away the dirty germs! And you'll be shiny clean!" She giggled. "Such a smart girl, now hurry up."

She was wrapped up in her robe in her little slides, I picked her up like a bride and sat her down in her chair in her restroom. She dried off and I helped her put her clothes on. I did her hair, she brushed her teeth, and off to bed she went to sleep. I kissed her head and protectively tucked her in.

I went in the boys room and kissed there heads. "Goodnight boys, I love you." I smiled and left out.

I went to my room and put my jacket on. "Getting ready to go?"
"Yeah, imma stop by the store to pick up some flowers. Clear my mind as I walk."
"Aren't you going to-"
"Not today, I'm not in the right state of mind to drive."
"Son.."
"She divorced me...."
"No she haven't, can't get divorced if those papers ain't sign. She doesn't even have any papers."
"But she said wants too...just a matter of time before she does."
"She has 6 months before she even get out rehab."
"I'm loosing everything. I don't want to see her."
"She's just waking up! She's been lying in a bed fighting for her life, time after time you told me she's pulling through. Times when her whole body stopped and came back again. How many months?"
"3..." I said lowly. "When she woke up, she was probably in pain. Worried, not feeling good, hurt, she's been through a lot baby. So she might be a little off, she's only been up for about 9 months not even a year. It's been weeks since you seen her, please go."
I looked at her and shrugged. "Fine."
I grabbed my keys from my table, my wallet and phone. "I'll be back soon. Call me if you need anything, food or something."
She nodded her head ok and kissed my head.

I dragged myself to the car. I started the car up and just played some soft classical music. I sat there just calming down.
3 months of on the edge for her, she wakes up from everything. She gets back into the flow of life and a few weeks ago  finds out that she wants a divorce. She Doesn't even want to see me. Driving off, to the rehab center I go.

When I arrived, I was getting these feelings in my stomach. I was scared, happy, and worried at one time. I walked in and I looked around. "Mr.Carter, must be looking for Ms.Jones?" She smiled. I titled my head to the side confused. "'You mean Mrs.Carter. That's my wife." I spoke. "She wants us to refer her to her maiden name."
"Don't give a damn, its Mrs.Carter. I'll will not argue with you she's still my wife even if she wants to divorce me..but that woman, is my wife."
She took a deep breathe and placed her hands by her side. "She's outside on the patio. She's probably eating her late night snack she likes."
Typical April. I nodded my head and off I went.

I quietly knocked on the window pane catching her attention. I went inside and I looked around. Broken mirror, red stains on it, hopefully it's just lipstick. Her shoes kicked around, she only had one pair, but they were scattered out. Blanket on the floor and a empty pill bottle. Wasn't like this at all when I was here.

"You gone say something? Or just inspect my room?" She said. She popped a grape in her mouth rocking back and forth in her chair. I went out there, "Watch out for the glass."
I looked down and stepped on it anyways. I sat down in the chair and looked at her. "Haven't said a word since ya came...what's the problem? Why ya here?"
"Why are you talking like that?"
"How I always talked...I always had a country accent, I hid it to sound proper. Have you forgotten city boy? I'm a country girl, from Texas. No city, Deep South."
"Why you changing on me? Huh?"
"I'm not changing...how I always been." She laughed. "Suicidal?"
"Been thinking it about for many years- for some reason death just won't take me. But it took my daughter in a quick flash." She rocked her chair and popped another grape in her mouth. I turned my head away and looked up. "I'm here for you April Mae.."
She just chuckled and kept eating. "Wanna know why that glass there...every time I see myself I break it. I hate myself and each and everyday I suffer. And they inject me with a needle to put me to sleep or whatever."
"Not suffering alone April."
"Am I? Where you there when it happen?"
"No...I could of, but you locked me out. You didn't wake me up and say something. You took it upon yourself to take the damn pills damnit. I understand what your going through, I had the same thoughts you had. Wanting to do it, but I knew I had something greater coming and I couldn't let the death of my ex get to me because I knew something else was coming and that something else was you. When J died I had to remember I had three other kids to take of. A wife who needs me and a company to run. I put everything on hold you you, for us!"
"Then you don't gotta worry about me anymore. I'll be out your way."
She reached over to the table and grabbed her a cigarette from the box. She lit it up and took a deep puff. She never did any of this when I was here.
"The kids miss you..."
She leaned up a little and looked at me. "How are they? How my babies?" Her voice changed and that was the sound of my April. "There good, they miss you a lot. They ask a lot about you. They're worry."
"Man just-I can't let my kids see me in this state." She said softly. "They don't have to!" I smiled. "Clean up a little bit, and bring back my wife."
She just shook her head and got up. She stretched out a little and walked back inside. She smashed her cigarette on the ground killing the burn it in. "Baby, please come back to me."

April pov

I turned around to him and he gave me a hug. I broke down on his chest. "Everything feels like it's just crashing all over me. Just want to know what have I done so bad for all this?" His grip got a little tighter, my legs getting weak we fell to the floor. He held me in his arms rocking me slowly. "I'm right here, right here baby."

The door opened, I saw my doctor come in. "I knocked, I'm sorry."
"No it's fine, we didn't hear you." John said softly. "Baby, let's go lay down."
"I lay on the floor, just get my pillow and cover."
"Are you sure?" He asked rubbing my back. "Yes John." He released me and did it. He covered me up and I sobbed.

"April, you alright? What's bothering you?" He asked.
"Everything..."
"Maybe if we just rest, tomorrow we'll work on some more things to help you."
I nodded my head ok.

He rose up and went away. John followed behind him. I've been nothing but in pain and just hurting so much.
John came in and he shut the door. He laid beside me and wrapped his arms around me. "Hold me back, just like we used to."
I was a little hesitant, but I did anyways and it felt so good. "I missed you." I said softly. "I love you baby. And I missed you too." He leaned my head up and he tried to kiss me but I moved away. "Don't do that, don't move away." He got closer to my face. "No." I pushed his face away gently. He finally got what he wanted and before you know it I was knocked up.

~

Waking up my face smothered in John arms. I shifted around and I smiled at him. I just laid my head down and held onto him. "I missed you so much. Thank you for everything. Please don't
Leave me..." I closed my eyes, "And I won't. Be here everyday for you. Just like when you first got sent to the ER, all up till now. I don't wanna leave you. I wanna be here for you." He mumbled. His eyes still closed then they slowly opened. We sat up, he told me to go get cleaned off and everything so I did.

When I came out the room was clean. No stains, no glass, my food on the table, and John smiling at me.

I hugged him and I found myself crying all over him again. The pain and pushing him away. I felt bad, but I feel like most of this is my fault. Everything is my fault.