Suffering {COMPLETED}

Loosing my mind

~a week later~

April pov

I sat down outside on the staircase as the kids play around in the grass, wailing in my thoughts. When things swear they are gonna go good, something around the corner is waiting for me to come around to hold a gun to my face. Life's a bitch right...Maybe, it's just me. I'm the toxic one that's causing all this. I can't put John and my kids in danger. Now, I'm pregnant. Am I going to keep it? I ask myself. What are you going to do? Again I ask. If I speak, I put somebody else in danger thinking I'm saving myself and them. Or, am I going to face the fact I'm going to get an abortion. That's killing my child! Yet, again I ask myself. Am I going to keep it?
Or should I just get rid of myself? Yet, again...I'll be killing the both us.
And again, I ask myself. What are you going to do?

Looking down at Jaylah as she smiled climbing up to me. I held her, she was making some noise, before she left off again.
"April...April." I turn my head to John's puzzled facial expression.
" Yes?"
"You okay?" He asked.

Am I? I ask myself that sometimes too. "Yeah, just thinking." I answered. "A kiss for your thoughts?" He smiled sitting next to me, he wrapped his arm around me and kissed me. "Now, tell me." He smiled.

Taking a long look at him, then turning my head to the kids, then down at the ground. "I'm-pre..I'm presenting a project. Just kinda worried." I shrugged. "There's no need. You're like an expert at those. You did a lot of those for me."
"Yeah, once I got comfortable speaking around you. These are new people."

My phone buzzed, quickly taking a quick glimpse, I stood up. "I have to go."
"What do you mean? April Jones...don't you walk away from me." He pointed sternly. Shaking my head, I ran inside and grab my keys. Hurrying out, John grabbed me up by the waist.
"Give me the phone, where are you going?" He grunted. "Let me go, please." I kicked. "No!" Jaylah squeezed in. He let me go, moving Jaylah out the way. Trying to make the run, but this man was quick. He picked me up throwing me over his shoulder. "No John stop it." I tried pushing his head. "I'll have this whole house on lock down, stop it."
"Please stop." I cried. He put me down looking at me. Sobbing like a child, he just looked at me. "What the hell is wrong with you?!" He shouted. Looking around, I felt like I was going to have an heart attack. "Get the kids inside so we can talk." I said. He left out, I hurried to the car I got in and started it up. John turned around and just looked at me with the maddest face. Wiping my face, I drove off.

~

Shortly, I arrived at his house and I knocked on the door. He opened it quickly, he pulled me inside just before his hand pulled back, "No wait please...Hold on hear me out." I begged. He looked at me and let me go. "You're late! I'm texting your phone and you can't answer but one time."
"I was with the kids, just calm down. I have something to tell you.." I can't believe I'm doing this... "What?"
"I'm pregnant.."
He smiled at me then laughed. "So, he got
You pregnant..you stopped me to tell me that bitch got you pregnant. Now you can loose two of them kids."
"No, it's yours!" I grabbed his hand. "John and I haven't did anything...you got what you want don't hurt it." I cried. Surprisingly, he pulled me in for a hug. Hugging him back as I calmed down. "Leave him, you have to."
"What do you mean? I have kids by him."
Plus this one.. lord help me. "Leave him April, this is what we always wanted. A family." He smiled grabbing my waist.
How delusional can this man be. I just want him to leave me alone.
"Of course, Yeah." I smiled grabbing his face. "What we always wanted." I repeated giving a desperate smile. "Leave them all.."
"Those are my kids, not to mention I gave birth to all three of them.."
"Young minds..." he smiled. "What do you mean?"
"They are only babies, they won't remember him. It can be us 5, plus this little guy here will make 6."
"Cal.." I gave a pleaded look. I was drowning in my own life. "April, it can be us again." He smiled. "We can work everything out, I'll change my ways, for you, and my kids. And those little 3 too." He smiled grabbing my face kissing me. "He won't go down without fight. He's gonna want custody."
"Then leave them..."
Taking a few deep thoughts, I shook my head okay. "Go get your things, don't say anything just leave. Anything he brought you leave. Just your things."
"Okay..I'll see you soon."
He kissed my cheek before I left.

Going to the car, I rushed and hurried back home.

How?! Why?! What have I done to deserve this? Loosing my parents, home to home, adoption to adoption, but everybody just wanted babies. Struggled with a college tuition, thinking I found the right man, to an abusive relationship. Now all this. What have I done for all this?

Hurrying inside, I rushed upstairs and only got my important things. "Leaving again?"
He said scaring me. "Where are you going?" He asked walking to me. "You said you weren't leaving me..where are you going April!?"
Just ignoring him, I thought about this very moment and how I just wanted to pop some pills and end everything.

"You're not leaving me April! All this! You wanna fuck me over. What's his damn name?"
Shaking my head I just got my things. Leaving out the room with him following me. I went to my kids room. They laid their in their beds sleeping. Taking a long glimpse, tearing up. "Mommy loves you so much, I'll sacrifice myself for you my little ones. I love you so much, this is for you babies."

Leaving out the room, I rushed downstairs. "John, unlock the house."
"I mean we have plenty of food for the next month or so." He smiled. "Ca-John."
He turned his face up and did a whole 360.
"You were about to call me another name."
"Unlock this damn house John!"
"You know my mother always told me to never trust a sneaky bitch. Get out my damn house. You said your goodbyes, I don't need you! Poured my heart out for you! Put my life on the line for you! You wanna leave for another man and have the FUCKING nerve to cry! I'm glad I didn't marry you!" He yelled as he unlocked the house. "Get out April!" He yelled. Leaving out in tears, wishing I could only tell him.

~

Laying down in the bed, I was curled in a ball.
Why is he doing this? Out off the things, he makes me abandon my family, threatens them, and it's like I have my hands tied behind my back and tape over my mouth, trying to scream for help.
"I got you something to eat. It's your favorite." He smiled. "Thank you.." I grabbed the sack and sat up. "Anything else I can get you?"
"Just some alone time please. I don't feel toogood." He shook his head and left out. I began eating because I was starving.

Well...now it looks like I'll be spending my pregnancy without him. I can't believe this. I just don't want to leave my kids so soon, nor do I want to hurt John's child that's coming soon. What am I going to do?