Sick as Secrets

Chapter 6-Whose Life Is This

"...the drama.", he said as he gulped his beer.

"yeah.", I said relieved. It felt good knowing someone knew what I meant.

We sat there for many minutes in silence. Looking at the city, the stars and just sitting. I think it was nice being able to sit in silence without feeling obligated to talk. I felt that way with Steve all the time, I felt like I had to tell stories around Sharon and her friends and Brenda was a talker, she loved to gossip. I honestly always just wanted to be silent.

My eyes were so heavy. My head was cloudy, and I had to put my feet on the ground because my chair felt like it was floating. I knew the next day was going to be rough after drinking so much, but it felt good to let go, to just numb all the shit inside my head. My guilt and shame was burning me from the inside out and it felt like the alcohol was putting out the fire just a bit.

I started to dream. I was dreaming about being in a forest. Stuck in a thick, dark forest. The trees were towering over me like monsters and the branches and tree limbs were reaching out to smother me, wrap their wooden tendrils around my chest and squeeze. I heard the voices of my mother and father, the preacher and the congregation yelling at me. Telling me I was a sinner. Saying I was going to burn in hell. I was on the forest floor, trying to get out of the tangle of branches and frantically throwing the insects off my skin that had crawled up through the ground. I was being engulfed in dirt and muck and then my feet started to sink into the soil. I opened my mouth to scream, but I couldn't. My voice was broken, as it had always been. I was unable to speak or scream or plead for help and I prayed for rescue. Then I heard a voice, a booming voice from above me, telling me it was too late to pray. I had been forsaken. I had turned my back on my faith and I was going to hell. There was no forgiveness left. Then I heard a crash. A sound of broken glass and two hands wrapping around my shoulders. I couldn't see, but I suddenly opened my eyes and saw the stars. My arms were wrapped tightly around Bucky's neck. His arms were cradling my body and he was caressing my hair, he was shushing like a parent to a crying baby. It took a moment to realize I wasn't still dreaming. I opened my eyes wide, they were soaked in tears, and he was rocking me back and forth and all I could do was squeeze my eyes closed as tight as I could. I could smell him; his warmth was completely covering me like a blanket and I buried my face into his chest.

I was foggy and confused, but I wanted to stay there forever. I still thought for a moment that I might still be in that dream. Maybe I was dreaming that he was rescuing me. He was saving me from the forest and the voices and insects.

He smelled so good. Comforting and hot and cozy as If I just put on a winter sweater.

He pulled away from me gently, my face was in his hands and he wiped my face.

"Hey, you were dreaming...you're safe, okay? You're safe with me.", he said looking into my eyes.

I knew it. I believed him. It was strange, almost surreal. Trusting a complete stranger. Someone I barely said more than paragraph worth of words to and I felt totally safe and protected. I hadn't ever felt that way. I grew up in fear, learning to be afraid of everyone and everything, even my faith and now I was with this stranger. This broken stranger and he was looking into eyes and I knew in my soul he meant it.

I just nodded my head yes. I couldn't speak. I felt like throwing up. My head felt like it was twisting off my body and my eyes felt like heavy weights. I was empty and scared.

.

"Oh my god. I'm sorry. How long was I sleeping? I didn't even realize I fell asleep.", I said to him wiping my tears with my tee shirt.

"You were asleep for about an hour. You looked peaceful at first, I didn't want to wake you. You looked exhausted earlier, when you got home. I was just going to stay with you until you woke up or until everyone left.", he said to me. He was still sitting so close to me, on the same reclining chair. He was straddling the chair and I was facing him with a leg on each one of his. I was in a position with a man I had never been in before. Emotionally and physically. He put a hand on my leg and looked into my eyes. "Are you okay?", he asked me concerned.