Chapter 18-Fake Smile

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She used to put it out and get it all back.

But now she's slipping trying to carry the act.She's sweating under the lights, now she's beginning to crack .

James Bay, Best Fake Smile

I still didn't want to go to this party. Everything had changed. I had changed. I wasn't the person I was so long ago and even though time had passed, I felt like I hadn't been given the chance to move on. Everyone told me to try to keep going and just be strong. It was impossible. I felt empty, although I didn't show it. I had a new job, a new place to live, a new car, a new life. I was just a character in the show of my own life. Smiling, laughing, acting as if I was happy and calm and fine with all the past years events, but I wasn't. I stood in the mirror and smoothed the blue dress I put on. It was a vintage dress I found at a thrift store. It was a deep, midnight blue. Satin and smooth with darts at the hips, it made me look thinner even though I gained about 30 pounds. When all the dram with my life and Bucky was happening, I was underweight and since he was gone, I just ate my feelings. I had no choice, my strength was gone and I had no idea where to find more.

I chose this dress because it was something that reminded me of my favorite movies from the 40's. The ones that the not-so-nice girls would wear while holding their long cigarettes and sipping their dessert wines and wearing the bright red lipstick and pin-curls. I used to be the good girl and it was what was expected of me. I didn't want to be the good girl tonight. After all, the engagement party was themed. Steve and Sharon wanted a vintage theme and everything was 1940's, right down to the swing band they hired. They wanted everyone in "costume". As long as everyone fit the basic time period, they didn't care if they were gangsters or high society or good-time girls. I definitely didn't want to be whoever I was, so I chose the opposite of my typical behavior. I did the garter belt, the thigh highs with a fake gun on my thigh, the neck line was plunging and I didn't even wear a bra. This wasn't typical of the 40's, but I didn't care. That was my emotion as of late. Rebellious, out of character, out of control.

"Whoa! You look amazing!", Landry said as she popped her head into my doorway

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"Whoa! You look amazing!", Landry said as she popped her head into my doorway. I gave her a key to my place so she could come by anytime she needed to get away. She would usually hire a babysitter and come to my place to catch up on sleep. She was so sweet, she never complained, but I could tell having a toddler and dealing with a custody battle was taking a toll on her. She looked like she aged several years and yet it had only been a little over one. Even though she was younger than me and looked older, she was still so beautiful. It radiated from the inside out. If I didn't love her so much, I would make her miserable just for being so perfect.

"You think? I feel weird but I think it's only because you can see my nipple rings through this dress. Nipple rings aren't exactly 40's attire.", I said to her pointing at my breasts and chuckling.

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