I woke up from a nightmare, earlier than I wanted to. It was still dark and the moon was shining into the window of the room I was sleeping in. I squeezed my eyes shut a few times to adjust to the dim light. I felt like the past few days were a blur, a hallucination somehow in my mind, unreal happenings and I was just an actor in a show.
I sat up and the sheets fell to my lap, I only had on a tank top and underwear. I had to try to wake up fully from my nightmare because I felt like I was still asleep, wondering why I was half dressed and in bed when I don't remember how I got there.
I felt a cold hand on my lower back and I swung my head around to look behind me. Bucky was laying in bed next to me, he was barely awake and looking at me. I could see the light shining off his metal hand and his brow furrowed in confusion.
"Hey, are you okay?", he whispered. His voice raspy from sleep.
I nodded and got out bed quickly, heading to the bathroom attached to the bedroom. I shut the door behind me and stood in front of the mirror. What is happening? I asked myself. I didn't even remember going to bed with him. I remember his lips on mine and then after that, I went blank. The last thing I wanted was to go to with bed with him without remembering it happening. I had thought about this for some time and I thought when it happened it would be magical. The teenager inside of me obviously fantasizing about sex being dreamy and wonderful when sex was, in reality, usually dirty and forgetful. Did I just block it out like I had my whole life? When I was young, I would detach, my mind would go somewhere else so I didn't even have to remember it happened at all. I didn't want this to happen with him, but obviously it had and I hated myself for it. Just when I thought I could have a "normal" sexual relationship with someone, I blacked out totally and didn't even remember it happening.
I jumped when I heard a knock at the door. I stood there for a second, silent, as if I stood still long enough he might forget I was in there. He knocked again.
I opened the door and he was standing there, beautiful. His hair was falling in thick strands over his face and he was shirtless. His muscles were unreal. Cut like rocks into the canyon of his chest and abdomen. He had scars spattered all over his skin. It's not as if I had never seen him shirtless in regular situations, but for some reason, he looked different this night.
"Hey, are you okay?", he whispered to me again.
I nodded again. "yeah...I..just had a bad dream." I said to him. He bit his bottom lip and looked concerned.
"Bucky, what happened?", I asked him softly.
"Uh...", he started to say as he leaned against the door frame on his shoulder.
"We were talking, you were pretty upset. All this information..it's overwhelming...I think you passed out. ", he said to me.
"I...passed out?", I asked him. I was so confused. Why would I pass out?
"Yeah I guess. You and I were...well, we were holding each other, you were crying and upset and I was upset, you said you weren't feeling well and I was going to help you to the bedroom and then you just fell. You were so upset. I took you to bed.", he said to me, fidgeting with a piece of peeling paint on the door frame.
I walked past him to the bed and crawled into bed, sitting with my legs underneath me. I was just sitting there, trying to remember.
He sat next to me, he put his flesh hand on my arm and guided it up under the back of my hair on the nape of my neck. He felt so good, warm and inviting.
"Did we have sex?", I asked him.
"What?...No! No we didn't. I swear, I put you to bed, you said your head hurt.", he said to me.
"Why am I dressed like this? I mean in only..this?", I asked him looking down at myself.
"I went to get you something for your headache and you were like this when I got back.", he said to me.
I just sat there silent. I knew he was telling the truth, but it brought back bad memories. I just felt like I was reliving a real nightmare from so long ago at the compound.
"Gabe. I swear to God. I would never do anything to hurt you.", he said to me taking my face in his hands and looking me in the eyes.
"I know.", I whispered. "I guess I thought maybe it happened and I didn't remember. I was angry at at myself." I said
"Angry? Why?", he asked.
"Because...I would want to remember. If it happened, with you and I, I wouldn't want to forget.", I said to him. "Who am I kidding anyway? We're best friends. It's not like it would ever happen, but I figured since we were getting close earlier...i just...I thought.", I said to him choking on my words.
"I wouldn't object. I mean, I love you. You're the most important person in my life, but I would never do anything you didn't want to do. I just...I wanted to...i want to. I just know you aren't ready.", he said to me. I was shocked. He felt the same way I did...something I didn't think I would hear him say.
"For how long?", I asked him. He looked confused. "For how long have you wanted to?", I asked him again.
He rubbed his forehead and looked almost embarrassed. He was sitting there in jeans and nothing else and I couldn't stop looking at his metal arm. It was brushing against my skin and it felt cold and mechanical.
"Forever I guess. I mean...I thought about it...I just wanted to make sure nothing happened to our friendship. The last thing I want is to hurt you.", he said to me. His eyes were so blue I could hardly believe it. He showed all his emotion in his eyes. He was the one person that I could always tell exactly how he felt through his eyes. He could lie to me and I could always tell, although he never did lie, he would usually just omit information so he wouldn't hurt me, but he was bad at it, at least with me.
"I'm ready.", I said to him in a whisper.
He looked at me and traced my jaw with his fingertip. "I want to. I do. I just haven't...in a really long time. I want to make sure it's right and with everything happening. I don't know. I feel confused.", he said.
"Confused how?", I asked him.
"Confused as to what's gonna happen. I mean I dunno if I'm going to have to stay here or go away or what. I just think I should wait on this. With you. I want it to be right. I dont want regrets..from you.", he said looking sad and almost angry.
I couldn't respond. I just sat there. He smelled good. I could feel his warmth and he wasn't even touching me. I just laid back down and he laid next to me. His body so close to mine and it was right and scary at the same time. I always could go to sleep the best when he held me. Little did I know it may be the last time.
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Sick as SecretsFanfiction
Gabe was running from her old life. She knew if she didn't, she wouldn't survive much longer. She had secrets and knew she had to hide, but where would she go? How could she be sure they would never find her? Little did she know that she would m...