River, Sun, Freedom

Chapter 22: Needing Space

Jodi sighed and looked away. “grandma used to say, that history always repeats itself. I never really believed her, but the truth is she’s right.” She looked at her hands and smiled sadly. “ I should’ve known better. Grandma is always right.”

 Damien gave her a confused look and opened his mouth to speak but she shook her head urgently and raised her hand for him to remain silent. “let me speak, please. I’m not very good at expressing myself. Just give me a minute.” Damien closed his mouth and nodded and Jodi glanced back at her hands.

“the thing is, Damien, in the time I spent at the regiment ... with you ... I feel like my heart’s been split ... into two. One half is at the regiment and the other remained in the community.” She sighed and looked at him.“I’m not making any sense am I?” he smiled briefly and shook his head. “well then I’d better just come out and say it.” she took a deep breath and faced him.

“I like you.”

Damien’s eye widened in shock and  opened his mouth to reply, but Jodi interrupted him with her next earth-shattering sentence.

“but I still have feelings for Nate.”

Damien’s entire face paled under his tan skin, and he lay back against the wall, staring straight ahead. Jodi, seeing this, spoke faster, in a rush to confess everything before Damien cut her off completely.

“I told the whole truth to Nate earlier, and you deserve the same. I don’t expect you to understand my feelings, especially considering I don’t understand them myself. But I needed you to know -”

“why?”

She blinked, startled at his interruption. “what?”

“why tell me this?” he stared at her. “to get it off your chest? To set you heart at peace, you turned mine into turmoil. Are you that selfish?”

Jodi shook her head. “no, I –“

“what am I supposed to do now, knowing that the woman I care for shares her feeling for me with her ex-boyfriend. What do I want with half your love?”

Once again, Jodi was shocked. “you like me? Why didn’t you ever say?”

“what difference would it have made?” he hissed, struggling to keep his voice low. “what difference did it ever make? I never told a soul and yet the entire regiment knew, the rock dweller knew even my mother knew. Only you didn’t. When this mission is over and you come back to the regiment –“

“I’m not coming back, Damien.”

This time Damien was blinking in shock at her. “wha... what do you mean you’re not coming back? You just said you weren’t going back to the rock dwellers.”

“I’m not going back there either.”

He stared at her incredulously. “ you’re running away? To avoid picking one of us, you’re avoiding it altogether?”

“damn it Damien!” she cried. When no one in the truck stirred she continued, her voice going back to a whisper. “not everything is about you! I’m not running away...exactly.”

“then what do you call this?”

“history repeating itself.”

Damien stopped glaring her, his face settling into the frown lines of confusion. He leaned back against the wall again and gestured for her to continue.

“I don’t like having nothing to do. I need to be busy, otherwise I feel suffocated. I realised this at the community where I spent most of my time working on my weapons, because away from them I was bored more often than not. There’s only so much entertainment, since Jake was always with Beatrice and Pangzhu, working on their books, and I’m not very good at communicating with other people. Truthfully the only times I wasn’t bored when I wasn’t working, was when I was with Nate, but even he couldn’t be around all the time.