Love & Lust

Chapter 22

1st of September. My baby is 4 months old,he was born on the 1st of June. It's my husband and I's 1st anniversary.

A lot has changed since I turned on my friends,of course since then I've realized that they were looking out for me,I guess it was the pregnancy hormones. Andrew Jacob Anderson is my main focus now .He means the world to me,Andre is smitten,we have had our fair share of problems and there have been times I have thought of leaving him but for the past 6 months he's been supportive and he is the best husband and father any family could ever ask for.

Bev,Stacy and I have since sorted ourselves out,we realized that we are adults and we need to stick together. Diego and Bev have since got married,Stacy's wedding is in June next year. Life is good again.

"Babe,can you come in the nursery for a minute?'

Andre has been fussing over that baby all morning,this is what my Saturdays look like these days. I stick my marinated chicken in the oven and make my way upstairs.

"You called?"

Andre is standing over Andrew's crib,the look on his face is making me a bit nervous.He turns his head to look at me and then he looks back down at the crib,I freeze. I don't know why this always happens but when something suspicious is going on I can only think of one thing...

Caitlin Edwards.

I walk towards the crib slowly,I hear my baby giggle and relax a little. He's alive. Andre hasn't said a word and I'm worried sick.

"Andre what is it?"

He says nothing,he holds out his hand and I take it. Gently he pulls me to his side and I close my eyes as soon as I'm near his crib.

"Open your eyes babe it's okay."

I open my eyes and look down to see my baby playing with a baby I've never seen before,the baby looks a little older than Andrew,Andre has a piece of paper in his hands. I'm confused. I want to ask who's baby it is.

"Caitlin" is the only thing that comes out of my mouth. Andre doesn't react. He gives me the piece of paper.

His name is Tyreece Edwards,take care of him,he's yours. I failed to do so,he looks way too much like our first child,I'm afraid I'll lose him like I lost Andre Jr.

I look down at my baby,he looks unharmed,but can one trust a woman who was able to sneak a baby into our house without us noticing.He giggles as I pick him up,he's not much of a giggler.I hold him in my arms and he giggles some more.I touch his forehead and it's boiling,I look at him and there is something wrong with my baby,call it mother's instinct whatever you want to call it,but Andrew never behaves like this.

"Andre something's wrong with my baby." I don't wait for any reply,I walk out and he follows me.

"What's wrong ?"

Is he for real? "I don't know,go start the car."

He does as told,for a split second I think of the baby upstairs,but there is no time to waste,I go outside and find the car waiting in the driveway,I get in and Andre speeds to our doctor's office. I've been praying since I got in this car,he's stopped giggling and he's staring up at me vaguely he's still breathing so I try not to panic.

We arrive some time later,everything is a bit hazy right now,I keep thinking of the the endless possibilities of what Caitlin might have done to my baby. This baby is my reason for breathing. I need him to stay alive.

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Sodium Cyanide. It killed my baby.
My baby is dead. My baby is dead.
The tears won't come anymore,I don't have the energy to hate Caitlin, my husband doesn't know what to do with himself. He thinks I blame him,I don't. I can't even think.

My baby is dead.

I put my face in my hands and try to cry,I fail. Just like how I failed to keep my fucking baby alive.
I've heard about miscarriages,but you see this,this right here is painful.

My tiny baby,is dead. What kind of mother does that to another mother.
I always thought Caitlin was sick by this,is beyond.

My baby. My baby. My baby...

"Hey Anna."

The voice sounds very familiar,I'm just too tired to recognise who it belongs to.
Silence.

"Anna I know it hurts,but it will be fine,you'll come out of this stronger than ever."

How is it people always find the stupidest things to say when trying to comfort you.

"Things will be fine? Please,nothing will ever be fine. My whole universe has been destroyed and you have the audacity to even use the word 'fine' in my presence."

My words are merely a whisper, I'm too tired to speak any louder than that.

The person doesn't reply,I look up at them. It's a woman,she is beautiful and familiar, I hope it's not my mother. I see another woman,I think that's my mother. My  mind gives up on trying to identify these faces. I stare out into space and Andrew's crying floats through the air.

Hallucinations.

It hurts. It hurts so bad.

Finally warm fluid flows down my cheeks,I let it flow.