letter fourteen

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My breath hitched in my throat as the words slipped off my mothers tongue. All of a sudden the world came crashing down on my shoulders once again. The easy breathing I had gotten use to over the last month became strained. My life swirled around my head, every bad thing running past my eyes to remind me.

I couldn't yell, I couldn't cry, everything was frozen. It worked in slow motion, I wish I could fast forward to when this is all over. But I can't help but ask myself, will it ever be over? This disaster seems like the end of my life, but I'm being dramatic. The only thing I feared was the reaction.

I sat on the bed, drowning my self in the sheets and blankets. If I couldn't escape the life that god has brought upon me than I can hide from it. Yes, it was childish but I couldn't think at that moment.

The one thing I was sure I would never lose control of happened to be the one thing I did lose control of. Was it my fault? Was I being stupid again? Or was it something that needed to happen for life to set back in place? The life where I'm the gay who's teased and picked on. The life where I only talk to myself in the mirror. And the life where I criticize myself more than anyone else.

Before Jack, the things people said bothered me. Worst of all, I took them seriously. Being called over weight is what took a toll on me. I would spend weeks depriving myself from the food my mother cooked. No one knew. Maybe I was scared of telling people I was struggling with accepting myself. Or maybe I was embarrassed, looking back I shouldn't of been. People have problems, sicknesses, all the time. I was too lost in the bubble I call my life to notice the hurt written on people's faces.

But somehow it all leads back to my father. The man I used to love. It was four months before I started to think something was wrong with me that I came out to my family and the public. When realization hit my dad he became like everyone at school. The other kids began taunting me right away, it didn't get to me. All until that one comment that drove me over the edge, and it was made by dad.

If I didn't have to deal with you my life would be amazing. I wish I could leave you behind.

I should've told him to leave, but a part of me needed him. He was the only male structure in my life. I learned everything from him. Even after the comment I still found somewhere in me that I loved him. I wanted to leave the love behind, but when you don't have someone else it's hard to detach.

And then I met Jack. He flipped my life over. The good way, I couldn't of asked for a better person to share my feelings with. My dad left. And I remained in the happy arms of my mom and the rest of my family. Jack helped so much, he didn't know it. He didn't realize that him coming and letting me cry into his arms that day made me ten times stronger. He didn't need to know.

Everything leads back to this moment. The moment where I feel like nothing could pull me out of the hole I created. Just by hope I opened the desk drawer. Just like my mother said, it was empty.

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>this chapter kind of describes his past before Jack

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