Cold as Ice | The Shades of Love (B.B)

Day 19

Day 19 after Mount Weather

Bellamy

Focusless I was wandering through the halls of Arkadia. When I entered the room people were starring at me. Eyes filled with pity, thinking of me and Lydia. Jasper was sitting at the bar, as always, a drink in his hand. Mayas death had destroyed him and yet he was the only one I could talk to without having this awkward feeling. Without feeling the anger and he was the only one that understood the loss. Silent I sat down next to him, pointing my finger up. The girl, Gina was her name, filled a cup with old whiskey taken from Mount Weather.

"Another day another drink", Jasper slurred next to me as he held his glass towards Gina who refilled it again. I emptied the cup, which was refilled quickly again. So it went on for the next three drinks until I felt this relieved dizzyness again. If it wasn't for Octavia, Jasper or the alcohol I would have already gone insane. 

"What would the old Bellamy say seeing us here huh? Drunk, not working like the others. Pathetic", Jasper had to laugh at his own words. What would the old me say? From Leader to a coward. I had it all. The power, my sister, Lydia. Now what do I have left? Lydia is gone, maybe forever. My son, I will never meet him, see him grow up. Clarke has left us because of my decision to pull this lever with her. My sister barely feels like she is part of me, or this world anymore. And I thoguht of this night when everything had changed, when I was rising so powerful. I knew what I would've said.

"Whatever the hell we want", I mumbled as I emptied the forth shot. Jasper was looking at me, willing to say something.

"I need to piss", he slurred. Half conscious he stumbled out of the room, followed by Monty who was yet again trying to sustain his friend. Monty had lost him as well. The only one he had now was Harper,who became his only friend to take care of him.

"I'm sorry about Lydia", Gina said as he took my glass, cleaning it off with a wet towel.

"I'm not done."

"Yes you are."

She place the glass behind the counter-leaning forward to look me in the eyes. Her curls were framing her face in a way that looked Lydia. The way she spoke to me, reminded me off the way Lydia would talk to me. But then she had those eyes. Bright green eyes, with dark sprinkles that turned into the dark frame that surrounded her iris.

"You knew Lydia?"I now asked.

"Yes, I did know her. Well."

"Tell me about her..." I felt tears slowly simmering. Frocefully I tried to press my eyes together not showing Gina my feelings. "Please", I finally added as I opened my eyes again. Gina was sitting on a stool behind the counter. Her elbow sustaining her head as she had to think about my words.

"The first time I talked to Lydia, she was was sitting where you sit. I gave her a water and then she told me about her boyfriend."

"What did she say?"
"She said that his name was Bellamy and she told me that you have left her to save your friends. That you are the father of her child and uhm.. she came everyday to tell me about how she felt. Sometimes she told me about her dreams she had about you. Sometimes she told me that she felt your son moving. Sometimes she was telling about the time on the ground, the prince, the dropship, Monty and Jasper. Sometimes we were just watching people around and for a few hours we forgot where we are and what was going on outside."

I imagine her sitting at the bar. Her blond hair falling over her shoulder as she looked around the room. I imagine her laughing with Gina. Her hand on her stomach to protect our son. I imagine Jackson taking care of her while I was gone and I imagine her saying my name.

"Did she tell you that she would go away?"

Gina was bowing her head, her shoulders sinking as she thought for a while.

"The last day I saw her, she had this look. I knew that something was wrong and I knew that something has happened with the Ice Nation. She pulled me in her arms and told me to be safe. That she had to go to save her son and that-..that I should keep an eye on you."

"She said that?"

"She loved you Bellamy. It wasn't easy for her to go away."

"THAN WHY DIDN'T SHE WAIT FOR ME! I COULD'VE SAVE THEM!"feelings were taking over. The thought that Lydia was gone, was still painful. The thought that I could've been with her was killing me. Not to know where she is, where my son is. As if someone took my air to breathe. I never wanted to fall in love because of this. Once you are exposed, you can't protect yourself anymore.

"She did it for your child. She loved you Bellamy, but she loved your son more than anything in the world. She would do anything to protect him."

"I wanted to protect her."
"You did. Trust me you did."

"Than why does it feel like I failed?"

"You did everythign you could, and Lydia will forever be part of your life turst me. But now you need to get a free head and recover. Lincoln could need your help with training class."

Training class? Getting a free head? Recover? How was I supposed to forget when I can't even understand. I want to understand what has happened here when I was gone. I need the whole story until I can finish the chapter.

"Youu need to tell me everything",I now said. She was the one that could help me. She was the one that could tell me the truth. A smile appeared on her face, eyes glistening in joy.

"Now we have a deal Bellamy."