Cold as Ice | The Shades of Love (B.B)

We're not so different

Lydia

The silence was scary. The grounders seemed to be satisfied however I could feel the eyes of the people from Camp Jaha in my back. The blood was still on my hands, slowly drying. It was Finns blood, the boy I just killed. My mothers hug was feeling so good, so good for this moment, but I couldn't stay a second longer here with his blood on his hands. I pulled away from my mother and ran towards the camp. I pushed myself through the crowd and entered the station as fast as possible. Searching for my next possibility to get rid of the blood on my hands. Tears were streaming down my cheeks again.

I walked into what looked like the medicine station and leaned my body over the sink,letting the water flowing over my hands.The blood was running down my hands and i felt the relief again. I felt almost as terrified as after I ripped Wells throat out. I turned of the water and walked into the next room which seemed to be the old library. Books were covering on the ground, some were still on the demadged shelfs.

I had to catch for air. I never wanted to be a killer, I never wanted to kill anyone. Everyone always thought that I was a bad person. Since the death of Camille,the death was following me. I saw my best friend dying, I saw my father dying, I killed three guards only to not get raped, I killed a boy who thought I killed his father by putting my teeth into his neck, I saw the boy die that would've sacrificed himself only for me to escape and lastly I killed Finn. How could someone still see something good in me?

Everyone I know, I hurt. Roan, Bellamy, Monty  and Jasper,god even Raven. But is it really my fault? Why am I always put into this position. Angry I swung my ars around, throwing books around me and scream out in pain.

Suddenly the door opened and a figure sat down next to me on this pile of books. His hair looked as greasy as Finns and as greasy as mines.

"Yeah I know what you feel like, being the bad guy sucks", he said.

"Everything I do is hurting the people around me", I sobbed now, not able to control my feeling. For gods sakes I hate Murphy sometimes but at least he saw some kind of normal in me. Even if it was just a tiny little bit.

"No you don't. Things get fucked up down here and you seem to be at the wrong place to the wrong time".

"You never told me about your crime", I now said and looked at him in all serious. I really wanted to know what he was. Did he kill as well? Did he know what it felt like to be assulted as a psycho?

"I burned some guards quarter", he said chuckling.

"Why'd you do that?" I looked at him.

"He kinda killed father", he said now. I could clearly hear that this topic was difficult for him,just like it was for me. It was difficult to talk about my own father.

"My father died as well, shortly after my mom began drinking and buing drugs",the time was hard for me and talking about it was even harder. He looked at me.

"Same with my mom. Yea I found her in her own vomit insulting me that I killed my father, because he did steal medicine because I had the flu. Those were her last word for me."

I saw a tear rolling down his cheek. Never did I ever see him so emotional, maybe at the grounders camp but never so mentally hurt. The grounders could hurt us physically but mental pain still hurted the most. Mental pain will neer go away and there is no medicine, no pain killer for it.

"Seems like we're not as different as I always thought", I whispered.

"We are the bad guys" he said chuckling giving me a small fist bump. Yes we are. The conversation made me forget about the pain for a few seconds.

"Let me tell you something, if people try to make you fell like you are bad or you are doing wrong. Just don't give a shit. Because that's what makes you different, don't care about people that blame you. "

I never knew that Murphy could be so wise. He sounded so smart and convinced, so experienced.

"What if I really am bad?"

"Doesn't matter,who said that being bad is wrong? Sometimes, only the bad guys, will survive. Also there are no good guys anymore. It's question of HOW bad you are",he said. Maybe he was right? Everyone was bad. All of the people that send me away to die, all the people on the ark that wanted me to get floated, all the people down here that wanted to bring Finn to the grounders. Who wasn't bad? Everyone was.

"Thank you Murphy",I whispered and stood up. I ran out of the library and followed the corridors back outside.

I saw Raven and Bellamy standing at the fence all on their own, Clarke stood a few inches away,still staring at Finn. As I came closer to the fence Bellamy meet me with his eyes, so did Raven. But before Raven could do anything Clarke was at her side obviously distracting her whilst Bellamy came towards me. I had this hurting feeling in my stomach, unsure of what would happen now.

"Are you okay?" he asked me a little concerned.

"No", I said under tears and stretched my arms out for him. I just wanted to be with him, feel his near , smell his scent. Gladly,he pulled me into his arms, slowly rubbing the back of my head.

"You'll be fine, I promise", he whispered into my ear. I don't know if he said that to stop me from crying or if he really did believe in his words.

"I want to stay", I mumbled into his chest,yet he seemed to understand me as he picked me up and walked with me back inside and lead me to, I persume, his room or the place were he is staying.