Cold as Ice | The Shades of Love (B.B)

I've loved

Lydia

Slowly I rised again, my body struggled but with every resist I tried to force my body further. Ailoan was at my side immediately helping me up. The grounders pinned Finn on a tree in the middle of the crowd, as near as possible to Camp Jaha so our people could see what was happening. I looked up to see Raven and Bellamy standing at the fence, Clarke was only a few inches away standing next to Abby and Kane.

Then I saw her standing at the gate, outside of the camp. My mother stood there all by herself,watching me as I tried to stand for a while. She had her arms corssed over her chest and she saw me. She stared at me with her crazy eyes just like she used to do it when I was younger. This unpredictable glimpse off her made me shiver slightly.

A sudden silence made me look up again. Lexa took a few steps forward ready to deliver a speech.

"Finn of the Skypeople is guilty for killing 49 of our people. Children, Old people and Warriors. Families. Crimes like this have to be punished! Finn of the skypeople you took 49 lifes, so you will go through the pain of 49 deaths." she announced and the grounders began to cheer. Finns eyes widened but he still seemed so calm. His eyes met mine as the first one stepped forward with a knife in his hands. He slowly cutted Finns shirt, what was left was his bare chest. I could see his hands shiver while he pressed his eyelids together. The first cut he went through without a noise. Without even a groan. The blood was running down his chest down to his pants.

Ailoan as firmly pressing my hand,as if he knew that it was hard for me to watch this. The man that made the first cut stepped away and handled the knife to a little girl. She has to be 13, not older. She pressed the knife on his skin before she added more presure. The razor digged deep into Finns chest,this time he couldn't repress a scream. A loud painful scream escaped his lips while the girl grinned. She seemed to enjoy his scream.

How could a little girl be like this? They told me that I was a psyho but what was she? I hada reason to kill and she? Well, she did it as a revenge. So could I blame her? Finns scream let me turn back into reality. His chest was blood smeared and his screams weren't the only ones. I could hear Raven,begging to stop.
She screamed at the top of her lungs,so loud that even Finn recognized it. He looked to her direction,just like me. Bellamy hold her close while she could barely stood on her feet. Then I saw Clarke, turned to Abby, crying. My glimpse landed on my mother who seemed to be even closer now.

She gave me a smile and nodded. What did she want? Did she want to tell me something? She wanted me to do something? What could I do? I couldn't do somethign against hundreds of grounders, it would just kill more people and probably be the start of a war. Finns cries became louder and louder with each cut, the pain was growing insanely. 

I pulled the knife out of the inside of my jacket and walked towards Finn.

"Lydia what are you doing?" Lexa asked serious as I stood in front of Finn. Tears had rolled over his face some of the dropped on his chest and left a stream in the bloodpool.

"I knew Artigas", I added and looked at her. She gave me a slight nod, in order to signal me that I could go on. The pain in his face was something I've never seen before,not even Murphy looked like this when the grounder have tortured him.
One last time I looked back. My mother smiled at me showing me that I could do this, Raven was quiet, Clarke was staring at me and Bellamy.. he had his hand layed on the fence, his eyes were filled with concern while he looked at me.

I had to do this. I had to help Finn.

"I'm sorry I couldn't help you",I whispered and felt my own tears building in my eyes. I decided over this boys life. He believed in me while I made his death warrant. He looked up at me with a worried expression.

"I'm scared", he mumbled.A tear streamed down his face,making mine break as well. The burning tear trickled down my sensistive skin as I layed my hand on his bleeding stomach,adding some pressure so it would distract him from the pain. I pressed the knife into his body. It costed so much pressure, energy I could barely afford. Killing someone might look easy. The sword goes in,smooth and comes back as if nothing would resist but it wasn't. It was hard to get through the muscles, the knife became slippery when the blood streamed over the razor and sticked to your hand. I had to make sure that I wouldn't let it go.

So I thought of this book I read "The Life and Afterlife of Charlie Brackwoo". The book I read so often, every page I read over and over again till the words burned into my memory,for always and eternity.

"It's okay.Heaven is spectacular, some would say paradise. A magnificent city surrounded by walls of gold and rainbow paths all dazzling in Gods light. There is no fear in Heaven, nor is there pain, and most really have found serenity there",I whispered those words. The words that cured me so often, the words that wouldn't let me go. Those words I thought were right for him, for Finn. I could feel the energy leaving his body, he wanted to die so bad and with every word I had pushed the knife deeper and deeper in his body.

"I love her", he tried to say while the blood dropped out of his mouth. He was weak, he'd fought his greatest war and he knows it. He wanted to go, after all the pain he fought. Finally he could let go, go somewhere where pain wasn't real.
He turned his head to look at the people behind the fence, Raven that was now completely quiet.

"I've loved",he whispered and a last tear escaped his eyes. I never knew how long it would take to die. These seconds felt like hours, his words were weaker. It was over, god how much I wished that he could finally let go.

"May we meet again", I whispered as he closed his eyes. Within a few seconds all the concern,all the pain was washed over his face.The blood sticked to my hand while I began to close my eyes. I begged for his spirit to find peace. I prayed to god that he wouldn't have to feel this pain anymore.

With the last energy I could afford I pulled the kinfe out of his body and looked around.Nobody said something, nobody did something. Lexa hold up her hand and all the grounders stared at it.

"It is done. Jus drein jus daun. Yu gonplei ste odon Finn kom Skaikru", her words would always be in my memory, I knew this. Just like the words out of the book would always stay in my head. Ravens screams filled the air again, she just lost the one she loved.

I killed the one she loved. 

Trembling, I ran over to my mother. I hated her, with every part of my body ,but I couldn't repress this needy feeling. I need her comfort, I wanted her care, I wanted to be her child for one last time. I wanted to be loved by a mother.

I swung my arms over her shoulder,layed my forehead on her shoulder and let go. Finally, I could feel it. 

"I killed him Mom. I'm a monster"I said under tears. I'm a murderer.