Author's Games: Fandoms

Task 2: Scores and Feedback

Hey guys! As usual, I try to make my feedback positive and helpful! If you want to talk or know more about your score or the feedback I gave you, please let me know. Also, wordsmith and jaypvie, I really appreciate your scores and feedback on my entry, so thanks for that you guys! 

wordsmith-

-0.3 grammar

SCORE: 11.6

Your entry is such a smooth read, and the shifting perspectives between people is so smooth, showing what parts of the story need to be told. Kappo is such a sweet and enjoyable character to read. You've done a good job characterizing all of them. Aurei's personality is so unique and different and I love how Kappo was nice and offered his bed to her. You wrote the hostility from the other initiates very well, too. Axel was so strongly developed with how he's a follower, not a leader. Even Biera and how sweet she is and Matoaka and how young and innocent she is, you characterized them very well even though you only described them through other people's eyes (well Matoaka once in the beginning). You only had three grammar mistakes, and you scored a 1.9 on the writing maturity scale, resulting in only a 0.1 point loss. I think catching those last few grammar mistakes is how you can improve, and focusing on giving your characters just a tad bit more of a unique voice - you've got their personalities and who they are down, now it's just a matter of making each of their pov's sound a bit different, to push you to earning a 2 on the writing maturity scale. It's something I'm currently trying to learn, so I know you can do it. I loved your entry and it was extremely entertaining and it was such a smooth, easy read! Good job!

JesterheadJohnSnow

0.3 for grammar

0.5 for punctuation

SCORE: 11.2

I loved the introduction and how Tiger thought it was hyperspace! That's really good characterizing! I also love the dynamics and how Nica is cold and how uncomfortable it's making everyone else. Kortana also makes such a good mentor! "I bet the seppies did it!" Haha I just love Tiger! You have done a fantastic job giving each of your characters a unique voice - Kortana and hear leadship abilities, Nica and her coldness and yet showing how she hated being isolated, Gunnar and his Viking attitude, Shaymus and the ironborn side of him, Tiger definitely with his clone voice (I can hear it whenever he talks) and he feels so star wars to me! I mean, this is so amazingly written! Tiger and how he doesn't leave anyone behind, and then how you described their struggles with it was very well written! Your entry was very entertaining to read. Gunnar in his fear simulator was so well written - I could see what was happening and feel what he felt. I loved how you described him trying to get out of the situation and how slitting his wrists ended up getting him out of it. And you were so creative with how Tiger's, even though it was one scene, contained multiple fears - Kimino being attacked, fighting greivous, his Jedi general turning to the dark side... It was extremely creative and I'm highly impressed! The only mistakes you had were a few grammar mistakes and several punctuation mistakes, but that was it! They were basic mistakes, so an intense read through to edit it will help you improve. You also scored a 2 on the writing maturity scale, which is amazing! I feel like you were using very mature vocabulary and you established different character voices throughout your entry with minimal mistakes, so keep up the good work! I really felt like you wrote this so well. Everything flowed, you characterized everyone and established dynamics, you showed them struggling, and chose the best POV to go to for each thing, you showed every step of Dauntless and still had time for character dynamics all within the word count. I mean, there's nothing more to say other than I am highly impressed!

BeyondDuck

-0.4 for grammar