Clouded Soul

17

It had only been a few hours after what happened between me and Marcus and I couldn't stay asleep. I kept having weird dreams. I was conflicted and felt guilty.

Dominic was fast asleep on the other side of the bed and it was around time to go to church so I just got up. I did my hygiene, got dressed and cooked breakfast for me and Dominic.

As I was flipping a pancake I started to think. How was I even going to be able to face Dominic? I'd made out with his friend and then had the nerve to sleep in his bed next to him. I felt horrible and I needed to write but I was still cooking.

"Morning," Dominic said sleepily as he entered the kitchen.

I didn't even look at him.

"Morning," I say back and put the pancake on his plate.

"Why you up so early, Ma?"

I put the frying pan in the sink and check on the grits.

"I'm going to walk to church. After last night, anyone who was at your party should go," I say taking the grits off the hot burner.

"Church? Really? You funny Ma," he said walking over.

I made a face and had to turn to look at him.

"What? You don't believe in God or something?"

He shook his head and leaned on the fridge watching me as I stirred the grits. As soon as he finished moving his head I snapped my head back towards the pot and kiss my teeth.

"Then you're going to hell," I mumble.

"And? Shit when you die you die, Mercy. Don't be trying to believe all that afterlife crap. God ain't real because if he was he wouldn't allow all this shit to happen to us," he said making me stop what I was doing and turn and just slap him.

I slapped him so hard my hand stung. He stared at me his eyes cold and distant but I didn't care.

"Don't slap —"

"Shut up! Don't you dare disrespect me and my beliefs like that ever again. I believe in God and just because you don't doesn't mean you have to be a dick about it," I yell in his face.

He didn't say anything back. I let out a frustrated sigh and shoved his chest. He didn't move but it made me feel a little better — just a little . I turned away from him and turned the stove off, slamming the top on the grits pot.

I started walking off and he grabbed my hand pulling me back.

"Get off," I say giving him the evil eye.

"Mercy just chill. I'm sorry. Damn you right...I shouldn't have said allat. Don't be mad at me...please," he begged holding me tightly.

I stare at him and he looks genuinely sorry so I calm down. I'm not the type to hold a grudge so I forgave him instantly and he gave me a big squeeze.

"Alright. We can go walk to church together. I'm not about to stay home by myself," he said putting some grits on his plate and starting to eat.

"Really," I ask, my voice squeaking.

He nods his head.

"Don't get too happy. I'm only going because you're going," he warned.

I rolled my eyes at him. Even if it was just because of me, it was still good that he was willing to go.

...

We sat in the back of the church. Dominic was quiet the whole time. Whenever I looked over, he would smile but I knew he wasn't happy. It was near the end of the service so he had no need to be so unhappy.

"Alright before I close anyone in the house who needs prayer, please come gather at the alter.

Two people moved and I wanted to go but I was hesitant. I was scared to go up by myself. I turn to Dominic again.

"Can you go up with me," I ask quietly.

He kissed his teeth but shrugged. I grabbed his hand and we walked down the aisle. I felt people watching us but I just focused on the alter and when I got up there I was still holding onto Dominic's hand.

The pastor came to me first with his oil in his hand.

"Both of you," he asked looking from Dominic to me.

I shook my head saying, "Just me. He just came up for support."

The pastor smiled and nodded understanding. He rubbed some oil over my head and handed the bottle to the deacon.

"And what's do you want sweetheart?"

"I want God to give me clarity," I say nervously.

He nodded his hands and lifted my hand up and touched my head. He started praying for me. I shut my eyes and kept my hands up.

"Heavenly Father we come to you asking for you to give this young lady some clarity in her life. She's struggling on the path to find you oh Lord. Guide her on the right path and help her oh Lord. Remove anything that's hindering her from you oh God — in the name of Jesus — Amen," he said.

He moved his hand and I let my hands fall and my eyes open. The pastor looked me in the eyes and smiled.

"I cant tell something's troubling you. What you need to do is let it go. There's potential in you but whatever is bothering you is stopping you from growing close with God," he whispered to me.

I nod and he pats my shoulder and I take Dominic back to our seat. He puts his arm around me as we wait for the other two to get prayed over. My mind was on what to do. How do I let it go? Does he mean Dominic or Marcus? Does he mean cutting them off? I sighed and felt Dominic squeezing my shoulder.

"You good, Ma," he said to me.

I nod my head and lean on his shoulder. As I laid my head on his shoulder, the more thought when into what the pastor told me. Maybe I needed to just slow down with them both. No more kissing, feeling, or anything like that.

That'd be hard.