Clouded Soul

5

I laid in bed and cried. Just thinking about what happened that day makes me sad. I remember the last conversation me and Daddy had.

I sat there staring at him. He'd gotten beaten up again, his eye almost swollen shut and bruises all on his face. Just looking made me wince in pain. I could just feel it.

"It's not as bad as it looks sweetheart," he said forcing a smile.

I shake my head and hide my face as I start crying again.

"I don't like it that they did that to you. I don't blame you," I said sobbing at this point.

"I know. Don't cry, Mercy. It'll be okay."

"I just want to go back to that day. I won't cry and it'll just keep everything the way it's suppose to be. Then you won't get hurt," I say touching the glass.

He sighed and turned away from me.

"You should get home sweetie."

I wipe my face and watch as the officer takes him away. I sit there for a second and just stare at the empty seat.

I got up and grabbed my giant, stuffed bear from my closet and cried into it's fuzzy belly. I cried until my throat was raw and my head started throbbing. I cried until my bear was soaked --- one huge wet spot on his soft tummy.

"Baby girl...?"

I turn and Mama is at the door frowning at me.

"Can I just be alone please," I ask hiding my face in my bear.

"No. Why are you crying? I'm on my way to my room and I hear you. Now either you can tell me what's wrong or I can beat it out of you." She came and sat on the edge of my bed.

I sigh heavily as I sit up to talk to her.

"Javon asked about Daddy," I say wiping my face.

She bit her lip and helped wipe my face.

"I done told that boy not to mention him. I ought to go beat his ass right now," Mama mumbled angrily.

"It's fine. I just miss him," I say.

Mama scoffed and squinted her eyes at me.

"Now look here Mercy. That man beat you bloody for no damn reason. You don't need him, he's just a damn fool and will always lie to you and hurt you," Mama said pointing her finger in my face.

I turned my head pouting.

"Daddy never meant to do it," I defended.

"Yes he did," she said rolling her eyes at me.

"No he didn't," I said still defending him.

"How do you know?!" She stood up.

"Because he told me himself! He misses me too and he's sorry he did it. I'm just so pissed because you keep talking about him like that. He's still my Daddy and I love him, Mama," I yell as hot tears stream down my face.

As soon as I finished, Mama slapped me. Her hand flew back and came down across my face. I felt the sting of slap on my cheek for several seconds. Words couldn't express how angry I was.

"You better watch your damn self. Yell at me again, Mercy. Go ahead if you feeling lucky! Shit --- don't mention that fool in my house ever again. Do you understand me?"

I bit down hard on my lip. I wanted to tell her off and just scream, but I had to keep myself under control. I was already in enough trouble as is.

"I understand," I say through gritted teeth.

When she got up and left, I shut and locked the door behind her before throwing a silent fit. She always found a way to make me angry.

When I'd calmed down, I went to my window and opened it. Taking in some fresh air trying to clear my mind.

The longer I sat there, the more I wanted to talk to someone about everything. At church they say there's a God and I want to believe there is. So every once in a while whenever I'm feeling like this I just start talking to him.

"I can't believe she really slapped me. Why does she hate him so much if they made the three of us together? That must mean something. If I can forgive him why can't she," I asked staring up at a cloud in the sky.

Despite getting no reply, I felt a little better so I turned and grabbed my books, doing my homework and studying for a test coming up in Chemistry. No reason I shouldn't get my education because of a futile argument with my mama.

...

Dinner time came and I didn't even look at Mama. I was still cross with her and I knew she was still angry because when she passed out the food she gave everyone a plate except me. Unfazed, I made my own plate and fixed my own cup and sat down.

"Mercy...please bless the food," Mama said.

I sat there and bowed my head, silently blessing the food. After a few seconds of not hearing any words come from me, Mama got an attitude.

"Mercy Amari Reed, if you don't bless this damn food," she threatened.

I sighed heavily.

"Thank you Jesus for our food. Amen," I say and start eating.

Javon and Corrine just sat there looking from me to Mama and back at me. Before she could even say something, I put the rest of my food in the fridge and walked to the back door which happened to be in the kitchen.

"Where are you going?"

I turned and looked.

"I'm getting some fresh air. I can't get fresh air anymore?"

"Mercy ---"

I walked out the door and shut it hard behind me. What the hell was going through my head? I don't know but I know I was definitely going to regret walking out. Knowing Mama she'll do something over the top and end up winning this tiny feud.