Shattered Heart

Part 29 ~ Why Am I Doing This To Myself?

I've been through so much shit in my life and I'm only 15 years old. 

Being a teenager is hard . . . especially when you have no friends to share stuff with. Michael may be a good friend of mine now . . probably even more than just a friend . . but I'd die to have a friend I can talk to about Michael.

I have thousands of questions in my head. 

Questions I would love to ask a girlfriend.

I'm still trying to process the fact that Michael and I are talking to each other. In my head I'm still stuck at the school dance where he kissed me for the first time. It still feels so unreal. Not long ago I was dreaming of simply talking to him . . and now he's laying in my bed and we're cuddling as if our friendship was never any different. 

It scares me.

The love I have for Michael SCARES me. 

It makes me feel so incredibly GOOD, though . . I'm afraid of losing that feeling again. Can you imagine feeling lonely to the point where you don't even care anymore? and then the cutest guy in school starts talking to you and then it turns out he actually wants to spend time with you?

That feeling . . 

It can't be put in words . . it's just not possible.

I love Michael so much . . it consumes me.

I don't know what drugs feel like . . but a drug I imagine is something very close to the feeling of love. It's dangerous because it makes you feel you're on top of the world . . but also . . it can make you feel like dying.

I don't ever want to stop feeling so happy. I'm scared of getting hurt. Michael is giving me life . . . in so many ways. I brush a curl out of his face. He smiles at me. "You ok? you seem a little down, Jordyn"

I clear my throat. "I'm perfectly fine . . Michael, can I ask you a question?" Our eyes meet. I can feel my heart skipping a beat. His eyes are so incredibly gorgeous. I can't almost breathe when I look at them.

"Michael, you know how much I love spending time with you . . and how incredibly happy I am that we're talking and hanging out . . but umm . . there's this little, tiny fear inside of me . . well, actually . . it's a huge fear . . umm . . as much as I love being with you and as great as I may feel when we're together . . for some reason, I still have a little ounce of doubt inside of me . . I just cannot comprehend that this is even possible . . . and by this, I mean you and me . . here, together . . on my bed"

A soft smile appears on his face. He gently licks his bottom lip, looking away from me. Why is he looking away? . . why isn't he looking at me? . . he's smiling though . . I guess that's a good thing, right? 

I swallow nervously, hoping for Michael to finally respond to me. I'm nervous out of my mind . . I have no clue what he is about to say. But I hope it's gonna be positive. I couldn't take anything negative at this point. What happened at the park literally took every ounce of strength away from me. 

One more thing and I'll start crying. 

I'm too weak right now. 

"Jordyn . . you're very special to me . . and I want you to know that" He says, coming a tad bit closer to me. He then puts his hand on my cheek and continues talking in his beautiful, soft-speaking voice. "I'm nothing special, ok? . . there is no reason for you to feel any less of a person just because brainless and heartless people are picking on you, ok?"

I turn away to face the wall. I have tears in my eyes but I don't wanna cry. 

"You're great . . just the way you are, Jordyn . . I wish you could finally see that . . stop putting yourself down . . you're a great person and I like you very much"