Past and Present // Kakashi Fic

17. ***

[A/N - Hey guys, I know its been a couple days since the ast chapter, I'm running on empty for inspiration at the moment. Sorry. Thanks for reading this far regardless. I've also been going through a tough time personally at the moment so please forgive me if I do not update everyday :) Thanks. xx]

I knew exactly where I needed to go, beelining straight to my destination, stopping only to pick up some flowers and incense. Having made my purchase, I walked through the cherry blossoms, down the quiet path towards my brother's grave.

His grave stone was next to Kushina's, kneeling down in front of them, I laid flowers and lit an incense for each of them. I placed my hands in my lap as I sat back on my heels, staring at my brother's name carved into the stone.

Oh Minato, I just don't know what I'm doing anymore. I have changed too much to fall back into step with this village. I have changed too much to fall back into life. I have no idea how to do this. How can I just go back to living normally, in a village full of people who have no intention of hurting me? How can I go back to going on missions and giving reports? All I can think about all the time is I spent alone, wishing I could be back here, but now that I'm here, I don't want to be? What is wrong with me. Have I spent too much time alone and in pain that I don't know how to live anymore. And Kakashi, what do I do about him? Minato, I wanted him so bad, you know I did. But I feel like somehow, I've let him down. I can't give him my all because I'm not whole anymore. A part of me was lost long ago. I don't deserve the love and friendship of someone like that. I don't deserve the friendship of anyone. I'm so mad all the time. I wish I could change things.

Tears were streaming down my face, I scrunched my eyes shut and gritted my teeth.

Minato, I wish I had never accepted that mission. I'm broken. I'm too broken.

"Broken or not, we can always recover and find somewhere we belong." I was pulled out of my thoughts by a quiet voice behind me. I turned around to see Lord Third standing on the path just to the left of me.

I wiped the tears from my face, stood up, dusted myself off and bowed. "Lord Third," it was then that I realised, "I said that out loud didn't I?"

He put his hand on my shoulder and gave a slight nod. "Lord Third- "

He cut me off by holding up his hand. "Mina, I know how you must be feeling but I want you to know, that Minato left provisions for you, should you return to the village."

"With all due respect Hokage-sama, you have no idea how I am feeling. I do not deserve your, or anyone else's, help or affection. I am a broken shinobi, I'm not able to return the affection in the same way that the village deserves. I just don't- I mean, I can't go on pretending that every inch of my body is in physical and emotional pain. I can't close my eyes without seeing all the death that may have been avoided had I not blown my cover. And what's worse," I turn and look at Minato's grave, "I couldn't save my brother, Kushina, or even care for their child. I am useless, I am not worthy of the title of shinobi."

"My dear, you did all you could. Minato was so proud of you for accepting your mission. He never doubted you for a moment. Kushina too. And as for Naruto, myself, Iruka and Kakashi have all been caring for him in different ways, you need not worry about that. Soon enough he will learn of your relationship and then it will fall to you to care for him." He placed his hand on my back and lead me through the cemetery back towards the village. "Mina, you are one of the strongest and most capable Jonin this village has, you are more than worthy of your title. I will not press you to get back into the field, in fact once you are recovered and ready I would like to talk to you about joining with Team Kakashi."

We reached the entrance of the cemetery, he removed his hand from my back and turned to face me.

"But enough of that for now. I must go and prepare for the second part of the Chunin Exam. When you are ready to talk, please come and see me." He turned and walked away in the direction of the Hokage's office.

Join Team Kakashi? I have a hard-enough time looking anyone in the eye. I betrayed the village. I revealed myself while I was supposed to stay hidden. Many people may have been saved had I not been so reckless. I am a failure.

"Mina!" I was walking, slowly, back towards the hospital in the pink light of dusk when Kakashi fell into step beside me. "I've been looking for you everywhere." He grabbed my shoulder and turned me towards him. I kept my eyes on the ground, my face stiff from tears. "Mina, where have you been?"

"With my brother." My voice was so soft I could barely even hear it myself. Kakashi released my shoulder and took a step back, clearly shocked. I turned to keep walking and I heard him start walking next to me again.

"Why-why did you refuse my offer?" I was still looking down as we entered the hospital. I did not answer until we reached the threshold of my room.

"Kakashi. Last night was a mistake. A lapse in judgement. I don't want to be with you. I will be leaving the village once I am well enough. Please, do not come to see me again." I stepped inside my room and slide the door closed between us. More tears beginning to form in my eyes.