Understand Me

Rooftops Chapter 24

Yoongi stuck his head back into the room after he talk to Dr. Baekhyun about what was happening with Jin. "I'm going to get something to eat, you want something," Yoongi asked. Jungkook sighed, "If you could grab me some coffee that would be great, but other than that, no." Yoongi nodded and waved before leaving the room fully. He walked down the hall and met  a nurse. "Excuse me, but have you seen a guy with fading red hair, a white shirt and some ripped jeans on come through here," Yoongi asked stopping in front of the nurse.

"Yes, he went up to the roof. He asked about it around ten minutes ago, he looked as though he was about to cry though so I wasn't too sure about letting him go alone." Yoongi nodded gratefully and smiled at the man before getting on the elevator to go to the top floor.  When he got off he looked for the stairs that would lead him to the roof. Right when he found it he busted through the door and ran up to the roof. He released a breath as he saw Taehyung sit on the ledge.

Taehyung turned his tear stained face around and slightly glared at Yoongi. "Jungkook send you up here," he asked as he turned back around. Yoongi raised his eyebrows, "Not even a 'Jungkook hyung'? Wow, you must really be pissed off." Taehyung rolled his eyes, "What did you come up here for? I'm sorry but I'm not in the mood for talking right now." Yoongi snorted and sat on the ledge beside him, "I didn't come up here to really talk to you. I came to make sure you hadn't done anything rash, besides it's a beautiful night, you know how kids are in looking for something dumb to do."

There was a small smile tugging at Taehyung's lips as he looked up at the sky. The hospital wasn't far from the main part of Daegu, but it did have a good bit of trees between it and the city so you could see the stars in the night. The sun hadn't yet fully left the sky and there was a slight orange tone towards the horizon from the sun; yes, it was a beautiful night. "Can I ask a question, Taehyung," Yoongi asked tiredly. Taehyung gave him a side glance, "Even if I don't give my permission you would still ask me, so go ahead I guess." Yoongi shook his head but asked his question anyway, "Who are you really mad at?"

Taehyung made a face, "What?" Yoongi turned towards him fully, which made him have to swing one of his legs from over the side of the ledge. He leaned back and let his back hit the cool concrete underneath him. "Who are you really mad? I mean sure, you can be pissed at Jungkook, but there is no way that you are this upset over him not telling you. What or who are you really mad at?"

Taehyung looked down at him and sighed, "I'm really pissed off at Jungkook, hyung. How the hell does he think that it's okay to just keep something like that from me? I wouldn't be pissed but he fucking waited until I got into that room and told me." Yoongi sighed closing his eyes, "He thought he was doing the right thing, that has to count for something right? I'm not saying what he did was right, but you have to see it from his point of view." Taehyung mumbled, "I've been seeing things from other people's point of view a lot lately."

"That anger right there, it's not coming from Jungkook not telling you about Jin hyung and Namjoon. What's it from," Yoongi pushed. Taehyung was getting angrier and he didn't know why. "Why the fuck does it matter to you so much," Taehyung yelled. Yoongi sat up and looked him in the eye, "Don't you ever in your fucking life, yell at me like that unless you have a really good reason." Taehyung didn't do anything, but stare him in his eyes. "It matters to me because as of right now we're just running around like a bunch of chickens with their heads cut off. Jin hyung and Namjoon were more than just friends, they were like the parents of our little group. As of right now, we have to take care of ourselves which isn't a problem on Jimin, Hoseok, and my behalf. You and Kook are on the worst of terms right now. Neither one of you willing to talk to the other like you have some sense. You won't confront the one thing that's holding you back from getting the things you most desire and Kook just ignores his demons. You can't survive like that, I would know better than anyone," Yoongi said with his voice getting quite with the last sentence.

Taehyung felt a familiar pang in his chest telling him he was treading into uncharted waters with his feelings. He wanted to stop, but as he tried to fight the feeling Yoongi spoke softly almost as though he was in a trance. "That feeling of not liking who you are as a person because you think that you won't be good enough. Because you felt that you were selfish because of the need to be held or taken care of. When you've been hurt so many times even though you tried to do whatever they asked you to. That fear of being left behind like forgotten memories because its happened some many times before. The times that you can hardly breathe because something inside of you is subconsciously saying that you don't deserve to be alive, that the good things in life only come so that they can be ripped away in a matter of seconds. The self loathing you have when you sometimes look in the mirror to behold your reflection."

Tears were burning his eyes and his nose was starting to run. "When you don't know why you can't seem to see what everyone else sees. Its because you're the only person that can really know you, or at least that's what your mind says. You forget for a while that others might actually love you, that they might actually care." Taehyung didn't sob like he thought he would, but the tears did come. They didn't cause him to sob, they just ran out of his eyes and he didn't try to stop them because he had fought his tears for the longest and he was exhausted.

Yoongi looked up with a look of understanding and a flash of something else that Taehyung couldn't really place. "What are you really mad at," Yoongi whispered. "Myself," Taehyung mumbled and closed his eyes. He took a deep breath and let the feeling of self loathing consume him. He looked at Yoongi with tears in his eyes, "I hate myself."

He repeated it several times in his head before something inside of him broke. He got off of the ledge onto the roof and screamed pulling at his hair, "I HATE MYSELF! I HATE MYSELF!" Suddenly his voice dropped and he collapsed onto his knees, "I hate myself for driving my mom away, I hate myself for ever knowing Jin hyung. If I hadn't known him maybe this accident wouldn't have happen, if I wasn't so fucked up maybe my parents would have loved me. If I wasn't so fucked up none of this would have happened." Yoongi walked over silently and wrapped his arms around Taehyung tightly. He remembered when he was in the same position and Hoseok and Jimin were the ones holding him.

Memories, the one thing a man couldn't stop, flooded his mind making him shiver slightly. Memories that almost ripped open old battle wounds moved through his mind so vividly he could almost see it. He remembered the pill bottle that was almost empty, he remembered the lighter, the gasoline. The look of horror on Jimin and Hoseok's face as they saw him. Too many bad things happened in the past for him to look back, but there were also many mistakes for him to reflect on and learn from. That was the key: live and learn from your mistakes.

Alright, so that was another chapter. I honestly hope you enjoyed the chapter. BYE! BTW I didn't do this in the last chapter so I just wanted to apologize for the lack of updates for about 4 days (excluding yesterday). I just had a lot to do, but I promise with these next few updates I will make it up to you.