☆Sidemen Imagines and Preferences☆

#94• Josh Imagine

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Requested: sidechlo07

Theme: Angst

Warning: Depression, self harm

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⚠TRIGGER WARNING⚠
Guys don't read this if you guys don't want to read about self harm or depression. I'm always here if you ever need anyone to talk to ❤
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Chloe's POV.

I shivered at the cold dark thoughts that ran through my head at night when I was all alone. No one to tell me it was alright, no one to fend off the harsh words that came from only myself.

Why do you even still breath?
You're so ugly
You're worthless
Josh deserves so much better than you.

Josh, I didn't deserve him, he was my amazing sweet boyfriend who was at dance practice right now working hard while I laid in bed pitying myself.

I felt my tears soak up on my pillow and making my glasses blurry just like countless times before. I hate myself so much. What does Josh even see in me? The only light in the room was from the window that let in the moonlight.

My chest shaked with me as I cried, my salty tears falling with each depressing thought. I slid myself out of bed, Josh would be home soon, but I still have time...just got to be quick.

I walked, more like stumbled into the bathroom and switched on the blinding light. I saw myself in the reflection. Red puffy eyes, all my imperfections.

You deserve all this pain.

The girl staring back at me Josh was never allowed to see. He was only allowed to see the strong bubbly smiling girl, not this broken weak scarred monster.

I reached for what felt like my only friend, the one who was always there for me. My blades. I sunk down up against the white bathtub with the blades clutched in my hands. 

I rolled up my flannel sleeves to see previous scars. It's been so long since I've done this. For a split second I think about stopping for Josh. But that was quickly pushed aside when I reminded myself of everything I hated.

Too fat
Too ugly
Too clingy
Too annoying.

Another shiver ran up my spine as the cold metal touched my delicate skin on my wrists. I closed my hazel eyes, squeezing them shut as I dragged the weapon across my arm. I open them to see red slipping out.

I do another, and another and soon I lost count of them all. I don't know if it was all the blood I was losing or the tears that was blurring my vision.

Why am I like this? I cried hard as I tucked my knees to my chest and put my head in between and my brown curly hair fell over my knees. I could still hear my thoughts over my loud sobbing. But what I didn't hear was the bedroom door opening.

I only heard the footsteps when it was too late. I jump up quickly and as soon as I get to the door so does Josh. Without hesitation I go to slam the door before he could see anything but he was too quick.

In one quick motion he grabbed my uncut arm to stop me his other hand holding the door and he slides into the bathroom. Our bodies were closer than I wanted in the moment. I hid my bleeding arm behind me.

I couldn't look him in the eye. Has he seen? I can't let him see my crying eyes, he can't see me like this. I pull my arm but it doesn't budge. He's got me.  I kept my head down.

"Chloe look at me,"

When I don't his soft hands go to my chin and lift my head up for me. His eyes softened as soon as he saw my tears. He goes in to hug me but then he stops. 

"What's that on the ground?" He let's go of me and picks up the blade and sees the blood on the floor. Great Chloe you had to literally just spell it out for him. He looks at me then to my hiden arm.

"Show me your arm," his voice was shaking but his demand was clear. I refuse and stay silent. He takes one step towards me and grabs the arm pulling it out for show.

Blood was still spilling out but that's not what hurt the most. The look that Josh gave me felt like I just got struck by lightening.

Tears were falling out and he wrapped his arms around my body hugging me tightly. I felt his chest move as he cried, I was doing the same on him.

Why did he have to find out like this?

"Josh I-Im sorry, I so so-" I wanted to apologise for being the cause of his tears but he cut me off.

"No, I'm sorry...I'm sorry for not being there for you all those times you needed me. I'm sorry that you had to fight this alone. I'm sorry that I didn't notice sooner. Baby, please, please never again..." He pleaded. His eyes were red and blurry like mine.

"God Chloe please. My worst nightmare is losing you and knowing I could of come home to that scares the crap out of me. I can't lose you, not you." He lost all his self control and started to cry again.

Did I really mean this much to him?

"W-why did you do it?" Josh sniffed as he pulled me towards the sink and got a cloth and water. He started to clean my cuts. I didn't know what to say. Do I tell him the truth? Do I sugar coat it? He could see the wheels turning in my head but focused on treating my cuts.

"Why do you even stay with me? You could do so much better? I'm just me and me isn't any good," I look down too ashamed to look him in the eyes. His hands stop working at my confession. I looked up to see why.

He stared at me in disbelief and pain. He put down the cloth not breaking eye contact with me and held my hands.

"Is that really what you think? I swear every night when your laying peacefully in my arms I'm thinking the same thing. How did I deserve someone so beautiful and kind? I love you so much and I need you, please next time you have any doubt I'll make it all go away" Josh's eyes was how I knew he meant every word.

I wrapped my arms around him hugging him tightly crying happy tears.

"I love you so much Josh, "

"I love you to Chloe. Don't ever leave me,"

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There you go I hoped you liked it ❤❤

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YAY THIS IS THE FIFTH ONE I'VE POSTED IN ONE DAY. GIVE ME A PAT ON THE BACK PLEASE. THANK YOU HAHA XD❤❤

Published: 8.10.17
Edited: 10.10.17