Alone With Ross

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September 2023

It's an understatement to say that I wasn't exactly in the partying mood. It was like an example of my life, as others had fun dancing, enjoying life, starting a new chapter even so late in life. Here I'm sat at a table by myself, dwelling on the past, things I can't change, things that will never change. And I think the thing that made it all hurt worse was to watch Ross hold it better together than I had. Because he had someone to turn to now. Someone that won't leave like I had.

I kept thinking about how I'm watching the life I could've had, but as I watched him dance with her, their foreheads pressed together as she spoke to him softly, his smile knocked some sense into me. Because truth be told, that never would and never could be mine. It's hers, and that's a bitter pill to swallow, but what kind of monster would I be to try to stand in the way of that? Of Ross' happiness?

How could I sit here and say I love him when I haven't been able to truly accept the fact that he is utterly in love with Danielle. That she was the one to pick up the pieces when I so stupidly left him broken?

I've been a complete moron about this whole situation, I would've liked to believe that I acted my age throughout this whole trip, but sadly enough I still feel as if I was 16, watching as every girl in school would gawk at him, as if I had the right to be jealous.

People are entitled to feel what they want, that much I understand. Ross is allowed to be in love with Danielle and I'm allowed to be upset about it. But fact of the matter is, is that me being upset about Ross loving Danielle isn't going to make him love her any less, nor is it going to improve my life in anyway.

But thinking these things rather than taking action is easy. I've been known to take the easy way out. Like what happened in Utah, how when it became apparent how much we had both changed, and on how I felt guilty, rather than apologizing for using him to make myself feel better I literally ran for the hills. I dropped out of college and packed my life away in a small suitcase spending years convincing myself that I was 100% satisfied with leading a life of travel.

But I was running away from becoming someone I promised I wouldn't be. I never envisioned myself living the domestic lifestyle, the very same one I got glimpses of with my time in Utah. And Ross was already starting to settle down. I ran from a future I was afraid of.

So now I'm back. I've seen the things my mother once told me about, she even told me once I saw the world like she had, then I would fully understand how she could ever possibly leave me. I've seen the world from one of the highest views. I've seen the way the mountains start to curve on the horizon. I've seen the sunset from Zimbabwe and sunrise from Moscow Russia. I've seen everything that my stupid mind was so afraid to miss out on, and as I still sit here by myself I realize I didn't want to do it alone.

And then the music stopped.

"Alright ladies and gentlemen if you could please turn your attention the the guy with the microphone that'd be great."

I looked to see Ross stood by Mama Vi's table, one hand in his pocket at he had his weight shifted on one side. His other hand grasping a microphone. He laughed as someone wolf whistled in the back.

"Hi, a lot of you might or might not know me but I'm Ross." He sighed. "And for some god forsaken reason Vi wanted me to speak at her wedding, I mean she told me either do a speech or a choreographed dance routine, so here I am." The crowd laughed as did I.

He licked his lips off in thought. "What could I say about love and marriage that hasn't already been said? What could I possibly say to you two, both Vi and Richard that you haven't already heard? You have both experienced these lives only to come together in the end, I mean it's like you guys were trying to find each other your whole lives." He mused.