Time to say goodbye

21

I woke up to the sound of knocking on my door.

"Mom!"

Nothing.

"Mom! Can you get the door!!"

Again, nothing.

I sighed, and forced myself back into the wheel chair.

A huge headache entered into my head. I grabbed the bottle of pain killers and took about 6 pills, hoping I'd be okay. Of course that wouldn't happen.

I lead myself over to the front door and opened it.

Josh.

"Holy Fucking shit Tyler!"

He ran inside and embraced me with his arms, godlike arms. I didn't remember much, but I remembered almost every moment I spent with him.

"Oh my god Tyler, you don't know how much I missed you! I can't stand school without you! Everything's so bland, like no ones actually there anymore! After the incident everyone's been quiet, regretting everything. Surprisingly not so bad anymore! All your teachers miss you. Mr. Jury sometimes starts shedding some tears when he accidentally calls your name mixing it up with the new kid."

Josh let on rambling on and on, like he spent forever thinking of what to say. It was getting kind of annoying so I lifted my arm up and held his face with my hand, cupping his cheek. Then he leaned down and smashed his lips into mine. Of course, pain overtook my body, head to stomach, my lower body didn't really feel a lot for I broke a lot of bones there. Broke a few ribs, but a "miracle" happened when my skull didn't crack open, my intestines didn't turn to mush, as if God said it wasn't my time to say goodbye.

He pushed my wheel chair back to the couch and lifted me up so he could hold me more. Kissing me repeatedly, eventually moving his lips down to my neck.

"Josh I-" I was cut off by the surprise of him sucking on my neck.

A feeling of thrill rushed down me. Nothing below my waist though, sadly.

He moved his mouth down to my chest.

"Josh, I'm sorry, but my lower body doesn't really work, I don't feel anything there. I'm sorry, I really want to but I can't."

He sat up, his cheeks flushed pink.

"Shit, Ty, I'm so sorry. I just-"

"It's okay. You just have to be patient until I can get it fixed. I will not give up."

"Good. You're the only one that keeps me sane."

"Good. You're the only one who keeps me going."

I can a sight smile and I reached into him and kissed his forehead.

"So... How's the school music project?" I asked trying to change the subject to break the tension.

"Oh, well, it's rescheduled until the end of the school year. Ya know, because of the whole thing-"

"I know josh, I know. I'm sorry."

"I'm not gonna do it. I can't do it without you."

"Yes you can! Just find another singer who can write songs and do some stuff."

"But no one else is as good as you." He sighed, tearing up a bit.

"Hey, you know, how about I record me singing the song I started writing once I finish it, and you can play the drums along with it."

"Not a bad idea, but I don't think I can go up there alone." He said looking straight into my eyes.

"I can show up, stay in the crowd, but still be there." I suggested.

"Again, a great idea." He smiled at me.

Smiling can be contagious, so I started lifting my lips up.

"Josh, on the night it happened, I started thinking you were there with me. You tried to convince me not to jump. You weren't you, but like you were a version of you. You said you were always here with me. Inside me. Not like that-" I giggled, childishly, "-but like inside me. I don't really know how to explain it. That's one of the only things I really remember from that night. Ever since that, I haven't felt alone. I'm happy now. Never like before, even though I shouldn't be happy, in the state I am in right now, I should be sad, but I'm happy. Josh, please don't leave me."

"Tyler, I promise I will never leave you. I am within you, always with you. If you're sad, depressed just know I'm here. And, I love you."

"I love you."

•••
A/N: I'm trying to get better at writing more per chapter but it's hard. This is one of my favorite fanfics I've written so far, a lot of personal shit in it. It's really late and I'm feeling like writing an inspirational message so here it is:

In the past 4 years I've been sad, more than sad actually, super depressed. Suicide attempts, self harm, drugs. Trying to leave or distract myself from reality. But once I stopped that, my pain was still there. Self mutilation and drugs only worked for a period of time, and fucked you up. Kinda creating more problems in your life. Once I stopped, I actually felt a lot better. I realized self harm and drugs weren't the solution to my depression. I also realized that saying I hate myself and I want to die actually tricks me into thinking that, so Ive decided to say I love myself, and that I love life. It helps me. And I think it will help you too. I know when I was going through a big crisis I felt like saying "it'll get better" was useless and was a lie. But it does. No matter how much you think you fucked up, you can fix your life. And you will get better. But if you end your life in a moment of depression, you weren't really living. So get to the happy times. Find something you really enjoy. Get rid of toxic people, get rid of your toxic thoughts, anything that'll hurt you. Be your best you.

That's it ig, I ramble a lot at night and I will definitely regret saying that much, but when I see you guys commenting on stuff about depressing thoughts n stuff it makes me sad, but I want to help. I hope that message help any of you going thru stuff. Ily all.