Time to say goodbye

2

I look in my mirror, seeing nothing but a face, and a hollowed out space. I wasn't myself anymore. I wasn't Tyler Robert Joseph. I was a hollowed out shell of who I used to be.

I went and sat on my bed. I hadn't left my house in what seems like forever. School was too stressful so I took a break off.

Sitting on my bed, i started crying. I was never good enough. I was never the best. I didn't have any friends, any social life. All I had was myself. I didn't like who I was. And I don't like who I am. I had so much school work to do. I always contemplated dropping out.

I had my razor in my hand. Looking down at my stomach, I saw the scars of my previous bad decisions. I decided that it wouldn't hurt to ruin the skin that's already been ruined.

I sliced my skin softly, seeing a line form from the skin that I tore. Blood started bubbling out of the wound. I make quick movements on my skin, and I felt satisfied. My mood had changed from stressed, and out of control, to feeling numb and in control of something. My self harm.

And as crazy as it seems, I've never felt closer to depression. So I'll just sit and cry as it tortures me.

__

"Hey, Tyler?" My dad asked, getting my attention.

"Yeah?" I looked across the breakfast table at my father who was eating an omelet and drinking coffee.

"Me and your mom think that it's best if you go back to school."

I got a huge lump in my throat and lost all appetite for my pancakes. I can't go back to school. That's like going to hell. And I can't deal with that.

"W-why?" I stuttered in surprise.

"You've been out of school for almost this whole year." He said crossing his arms. That was a sign of him getting annoyed.

I didn't want to get yelled at.

"Ok.." I said. I hoped he would rethink it and change his mind.

"Ok, well whether you like it or not, me and your mom already scheduled your first day back to school with the school councilor." He said.

And I felt burning tears form in my eyes. My lump in my throat changed to me wanting to throw up.

"Oh." Is all I said.

Getting up, and pushing my chair in, I grabbed my plate and dumped the rest of my pancakes in the trash, and then rinsed my plate off.

My anxiety was getting bad. I felt my chest tighten and my stomach lurch. My breathing got short and quick.

I quickly walked up the stairs and into my room. I wanted to destroy something to get my anger at my dad out. I grabbed my sketch book and ripped all the pages out, and crumpled them up. I tore them into tiny pieces and pushed them under my bed.

I say on my bed crying. I can't go back to school. I can't stand all the loud kids, or strict teachers. The truth is is that I just can't stand being around people. And my teachers didn't understand that I can't get my homework done in time. I had too much going on my life and mind, and I had too much to focus on.

I eventually drifted into a sleepless night. And I  swear, this might have been the most stressful night in a while.