Lasting Impressions©

Journal.

I stare out my dorm room window, in to the dark car park.
I woke up about an hour ago, Harry and Kate are asleep in there perspective beds. It's almost midnight, I contemplate taking a walk, but I don't want Harry to wake up and panic.
I pull my phone out and put my earphones, pressing play on my latest playlist. Hopping the music can clam my anxiety so I could maybe go back to sleep.

I run my fingers over the cover of the journal, opening it to fan the pages. I used to love to write, I would keep a journal with my make believe stories. I would plan my future Far away from the people in my life. I guess I'll try, I pick up a pen and put it to the paper.

Aug. 24

I remember when I was fourteen, I went to Harry's and told him I was leaving and never coming back. That was our first fight. He said he couldn't come when I asked him and it broke my heart. I told him I hated him and I walked away. He yelled that I didn't mean it but I didn't even turn around to argue. When he didn't follow me I thought he didn't care I made it all the way to the train station alone in the middle of the night. I was scared and alone, but I knew my chances were better in the world alone the at home with those people. I used every bit of money I had saved and bought a ticket to Huntington Beach California, I had done my research and that's where I wanted to go. I didn't want to leave California because people say it's the best. I don't agree anymore I think the world has treasures hidden in ever corner you look in. It's just how you look at them. But I bored the train and there Harry was.
"Harlow please don't leave me. I'm almost sixteen I'll get a to drive soon and I'll take you where you want to go but."
I just wrapped my arms around his neck and began to cry. I don't think I wanted to be alone then I just wanted to know some one cared. Now though I know you care Harry, and I still can't face things I feel like I deserve to be alone and numb and empty.

Harry you never took me away you just left. I think my heart broke that day and I never fixed it. Then so much more happened and pieces just kept falling off. Now with what I've done it's totally destroyed.

   I close the journal, as tears streak my face. I m sure Harry doesn't want my use of this journal to push me further in to a depressed state but I fear it might. When you write sometimes it allows you to step back and look at your life. I see that my life although I thought it got better for me after Harry left, it just went further down. I made horrible choices and got myself in a lot of sketchy situations. I want to be better but I just don't think I can. I'm no good.

Harry stirs in the bed, feeling around then shoots up straight. I can see his panic just by looking at his back all the muscles are tight showing how tense he is. I decide to speak before he starts coming to conclusions. I lower the volume on my ear buds.

"Harry are you okay? What's wrong?"
I ask knowing exactly what's wrong.

"Low you scared me. It's the middle of the night what's are you doing up?"

He asks while sliding out of the bed to place his hand on top of my head, using a finger to pop the bud out of my ear. Eyes peering over me to see the pen hanging out of the journal. His face does this thing where I can't tell what he's thinking.

"I couldn't sleep,"

I shrug nonchalantly, like he has no reason to be concerned. His hands slid down my arms until our fingers intertwine. Chin on my shoulder he hums in my ear.

"Let's lay down."

I can tell by the husk in his voice there's more to his request. Although he is fully aware Kate not but ten feet away. His lips move under my ear, on my jawline pressing light feathery kisses. He reaches my lips, but hesitates Looking deep into my eyes asking if it's okay. We haven't been intimate since he came. I'm sure it's not what I need, but I crave his touch. I lean in to his lips, reconnecting us in a way I've missed with out even realizing it. He stands me up and leads me to the small twin sized mattress in my corner or the room. Once on the bed he hovers over my body kissing my neck then back up to my lips. One hand cupping my face the other finding my breast. My hands run up his back before making there home in his curls. As a small moan escapes my throat , his hand moves over my mouth and his lips curl in to a wicked smile.

"Shh.. We wouldn't want an audience."

He hums into my ear before taking it I between his teeth. When I pull at his roots, the noise I hear deep in his throat ignites its own in me. I'm so lost it the lust of the moment I almost let his hand wonder past the elastic of my pants. Then it hits me that I can't do this, I'm sure Harry would just think it's that time of the month for me not that I'm a murderer. I'll know though.

"Harry stop, stop.!"
I sit up and move out of reach.

"Hey, it's okay I know your not ready it's okay. I wasn't trying to push any thing on you Low."

I know that and he wasn't even doing anything we haven't done before.

"I know , I'm sorry Harry. There is something..-- there's something."
He cuts me off smoothing my hair down and behind my ears.
"It's okay low, you have nothing to be sorry about. Come here."
He reaches his hand out to pull me into him. I oblige curing into his chest, mumbling another apology. He lightly traces his fingers over the exposed skin an my thigh hip and arm. Spreading goose bumps along my entire body. After some time I feel his mouth open to speak but then it shuts, when I feel it happen again I Crain my neck around to see his face. He looks deep in thought eyes wide, lips straight.

"What are you thinking about?"
I ask. He closes his eyes and inhales deeply holding it before exhaling. His hand stills and finds a home on my stomach. I flinch a little at the though that there was just a small undeveloped baby in there. I hope Harry didn't catch it but of course he did. He is always so observant and even the smallest shy from his touch he'll take notice of. He moves his hand to my wrist and runs his thumb across my gash.

"Harlow? Why?"
His voice cracks,
"Do you not want to be here? Did you try and kill yourself? Why?"

      I take his words in but don't respond. No I don't want to die, do I ? A voice in my head says I deserve it that I should. That's the voice I hear louder than anything. It's like a constant fight inside my head. There is only one voice that's good that's the problem. Only one voice telling me to fight to get better. I want to listen to this voice I want to but the others are so much louder. I never answer Harry and soon I look over again to find him asleep. I keep this question in my mind, as I scoot closer to him and close my eyes. Until darkness overcomes me.