A Life Worth Living «tree bros»

20. another night together

Connor last minute invited Evan to stay the night in their house, which Evan couldn't turn down. He shot his mom a text telling her that he's at the murphys for a night and not to worry.

Evan just borrowed pajamas from Connor. They were incredibly oversized, which made Evan feel nice, even if he was drowning in a band shirt with a band he never heard of called Mother Mother, and shorts that would stop midway on Connor's thigh, but hit Evan close to the knee, because Connor was extremely tall (around 6') and Evan was extremely short for his age (5'5").

Zoe stayed in her room most of the time. Evan didn't blame her. He heard stories of what happened when Connor got angry at her.

"Evan," Connor spoke in a low tone, barely above a whisper. Sadness hinted at his voice, his voice even breaking a bit, but it was barely noticeable. "Evan, I need to know if I caused you to do what you did to your arms."

Evan kept his lips pursed shut, his eyes staring at the floor in front of him. He dreaded that question to be re asked. He didn't know how to answer it.

Connor didn't cause it, did he? Evan loved Connor. He loved him more than a friend. He loved him more than he could ever love himself.

"Evan," Connor stated firmly, trying to get Evan's attention.

He finally moved. He moved his arms to around his torso, hiding what he had done. He hated short sleeve shirts. He flinched slightly as the fabric of the shirt brushes against the blisters, but he just pressed them harder against himself.

"Evan," Connor raised his voice again.

Evan couldn't take it. Tears were falling. He cursed himself under his breath for being so over emotional.

"Let's not bring it up," Evan whispered.

Connor nodded quickly and quietly, confirming that he wouldn't ask again, but curiousity still nagged at him. He couldn't believe what he saw. Evan was so supportive, kept telling Connor all these methods to stop harming himself, all these weird but effective coping methods all while he was hurting himself. The saddest part to Connor was he had no idea, and he could admit that parts of their relationship was abusive.

Evan, however, could not admit the abuse that was going on. He refused to believe it. He believed that Connor did love him, even if they had yet to confirm a title, and Connor loved him platonically as well. He saw the abuse as something that was occasional, and the result from drugs. It wasn't the real Connor, was it? The real Connor hugged him, held his hand when he was nervous, brought him to the old orchard to walk around, talked to him, and was supportive no matter what. What Evan turned a blind eye to was that both versions were the same person, and that it was unhealthy to have someone constantly physically harming you to the point you harm yourself. ((If this ever happens to you, get help. Abuse and self harm are things that are not susposed to be romantic and are not a joke. They aren't pretty, you won't get a happy ending.))

"Is there something we can bring up that needs to be?" Connor asked quietly, looking at Evan, who was looking at his now glossy blue nails.

Evan hesitated. "Tell me I-if anything is off limits, b-but whydo you still smoke drugs if you know what will happen when you come down?"

Connor paused, giving a slightly cold, slightly dead curled lip smile to Evan. It sort of scared Evan how fast Connor's expressions changed, and Evan did flinch a small bit seeing it.

"Addiction is a bitch, Hansen," Connor chuckled harshly. "I can't just stop, I want to. I really do, but in the moment, the peek of your high, everything feels okay. That's why I do it. I can't stop, it feels good. Even if that part went away I'd still smoke."

Evan nodded.

Connor paused again, expression going flat again.

"Evan?" Connor piped up softly.

"Hm?" Evan hummed back, tilting his head slightly and looked up at Connor, who was fiddling with his hands again.

"Are you sure you like me?" He asked softly, hands twiddling together and eyes nervously watching them. He remembered when he went to Evan's house and Evan did say he loved him, but was it romatic? It seemed it, but he couldn't wrap his head around it.

Maybe Evan was just scared.

That's what everyone was towards Connor.

"I'm sure," Evan chuckled sadly. "I-Im extremely sure. Is it bad that I do?"

"N-no," Connor paused. "Well, I guess it is?"

"How so?"

"I hit you before."

"You're not hitting me right now."

"But I have multiple times."

"And a lot of those times I asked for it. It wasn't you. I was me."

"Some of those times you didn't ask for it."

"I didn't ask verbally," Evan paused, not thinking through his words, "but I lead you on. I made you angry and I got in your way. I was asking for it. I deserved it."

"Evan!" Connor almost yelled, raising his voice and clearly upset Evan thought that. "Evan, no. It's only asking for it if I heard you verbally ask. And even then, it's not an excuse. You don't deserve it."

Evan stayed silent for a moment, before adding, "I do. I deserve it."

"Explain to me how, then," Connor scoffed, not expecting Evan to answer.

"O-okay so I've been asking for it most times, but if I don't then I do deserve it because of how I've been acting I guess," Evan shrugged. "I've been provoking you when you're angry. I stand in front of you and brace myself. That's asking for it in a non verbal butstill communicating but even still, I'm worthless. This gives me worth, Connor. Saving someone else from violence makes me feel better. The only way I'm worth something is as a punching bag."

That broke Connor's heart in two. No, his heart shattered. He felt tears in his eyes because he was so goddamn blind with his own problems he couldn't see Evan's. So there Connor was, sobbing hysterically into Evan's shoulder, telling him he was worth much more until eventually Evan fell asleep on him.

It was a heartwarming sight if you didn't know what just happened before hand.

---

In this Evan is really not in the right mind. I know I don't need to lecture any of you like you're all my children but I'm doing it anyways:

If you are a victim of abuse, don't ignore it. You never are asking for it. Yes means yes but no means no. If you are even slightly abused, verbally or physically, please get help. There are hotlines that specialize in this. It's still abuse if they were drunk. It's still abuse if they apologize after each time. It's still abuse if they're nice to you afterwards.

Please everyone stay safe.

If you are a victim of abuse, self harm, or have anxiety, depression, or any other mental illness that's been brushed off, please PLEASE seek help. It's not romatic nor should be romanticized. I have this book as a source of vent and to address issues that many people who ship tree bros brush off.

ALSO do you guys want more fluffy bits?

Ok thanks!! Bye xx