Getting that phone call three months later came as a surprise. The band were about to end the tour. My dad was seriously ill. I sat there numb from all feelings. I had visited a couple of weeks ago and thought my dad looked ill but he informed me he was fine.
He had only had a few days left to live the doctors told my mother to gather all of the family around to say our final goodbyes. I found out this morning of his illness. He had cancer. The thing that hurt the most was both of my parents had known about this for a while and never said anything. My mother tried to tell me my dad didn't want me to worry and to stay with Shannon on the road but the devil in my head wouldn't listen. We had re-arranged the last few shows so we could all fly back and see him for the last time. I thought I would be a mess but I was just numb. I didn't feel anything. I just stood and blinked at his form lying in the bed. Shannon was heartbroken but he tried to stay strong for me. Shannon and my dad got on great they were best friends; they could talk about anything so with this news I knew Shannon was hurting. The following days we all cramped into his small room at the hospital and just hung out for the last time. We talked about things when we were younger. My dad pulled me close and whispered into my ear when my mother left to get some coffee.
'Don't you lose him Shi. I mean it. If I'm not here it doesn't mean I won't be watching you. I would love to see Shannon as part of this family legally I will be watching over you both. You are both made for each other you need to open your eyes and see what you have before you lose him' Pulling away tears ran down my eyes. Looking over my shoulder Shannon was laid out on the small arm chair sound asleep. His hair framed his face soft, his full lips parted slightly as he let out a small snore. Wiping my eyes my dad pulled me closer and kissed my forehead slightly.
'Marry him Shiloh. Be happy for once and stop worrying about what will happen. This is my blessing to go ahead and marry the love of your life. I love you baby girl' He said as I pressed my lips to his forehead. Those were the final words my father said to me that day. Everything went in a blur as his machine flat-lined. Doctors and nurses ran in and tried to get my father back. Shannon leapt up from the chair and yelled at him to come back. The last thing I saw was the doctors doing CPR as Shannon and I were escorted out of the room
The next few weeks went past in a blur I had lost a lot of weight from not eating and I knew what was happening but I couldn't stop myself from doing so. I knew Shannon was hurt as well as he threw himself into his work. We barely spent any time together anymore which made me feel even worse. The funeral was hard. I thought I would be an emotional wreak but I didn't feel a thing. I watched as they lowered my dad into the ground. Shannon hugged me from behind and kissed into my hair sniffling. The fighter in me turned around and embraced him trying to comfort him and my mother. The boys had left and finished the last couple of shows and were now off for a break. I hardly saw Shannon, I knew he was hurting but so was I and all I wanted to do was sit with him all day and not lose him. My dad’s words played over and over in my mind repeating them over and over. As the weeks went on I couldn't feel a thing. I felt as though Shannon and I were distancing our self from each other and it killed me every time. I had lost more weight the clothes I wore hung around my small frame as I started to fight with the devil in my head. Every time I was around Shannon, I felt as though he didn't love me anymore and he was disgusted on what I had turned into which made me spend more time at my house alone. Placing my IPod on to my speaker deck I switched on Alibi and let it play out loud. Sitting in the dark on my own, dark thoughts began to overtake my body. Standing up in front of the floor length mirror I saw my skeleton form staring back at me. My hair had lost the shine and looked lifeless; my eyes were dull, along with my skin and I had huge black circles under my eyes. My clothes hung around my small frame as I looked at the stranger in the reflection I knew I had to escape for a little while and fight for myself. Alone. Jared's words rang through the house making the tears finally escape.
'I fell apart, but got back up again'
I slouched to the floor, I was finally falling apart. The tears wouldn't stop and all I wanted was for Shannon to come over and whisper in my ear everything was going to be OK. Pulling my phone out of my pocket I scrolled down to his name. Clicking the message button with shakily fingers I blindly pressed them the tears clouding my vision.
'Can you come over? I need you here. Please Shi x' I sounded desperate but I couldn't hold up the brick wall anymore and I needed for all of these emotions to come out and finally express how I was feeling and tell them I wasn't coping. My phone lit up at the message from Shannon clicking the view button. My stomach was in my throat as I threw it across the room.
'I'm recording right now. I'll see you tomorrow' my heart felt like it was going to break in two. I had been there for him and when I needed him, he was too focused on his music to comfort me when I needed him the most. Walking over to the house phone I dialled the only person I knew would understand. My mum.
