Bruises & Bitemarks (SasuNaru)

57.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I ask.

Sasuke nurses the mug of coffee in his hands, staring into the black liquid like he could drown in it. His food is nearly untouched.

"I'm not sure," he says. "I feel... overwhelmed."

I stay silent, because I'm aware of this.

"Everything's been turned upside down, I—"

He sighs and buries his face in his hands in exasperation. Even if he did want to talk about it, it would take so long just to cover the basics, lay down the foundations for anything else there could be to say...

"Okay," he says, preparing himself. He takes a sip of coffee, sets the mug carefully on its coaster, centres and re-centres it to distract himself. He tries to say something, then sighs. "I don't know."

"Anything that comes to mind. Anything." I put my hand over one of his. "I don't know what I can do to help you, but I can listen. Talking's always helped us before, right? About you. About me. Anything."

"You. I can't help but put a lot of the blame on you." He says it without hesitation, as though to get it off his chest, as though he knows I won't be offended – and I'm not. "You were the catalyst for all this. It's not your fault, but you brought it up."

I nod in agreement and acceptance. He interlaces our fingers, his thumb tracing the back of mine.

"It was partly my fault too, holding it in for so long. But I didn't expect for it to come back to haunt me. I'd made my decisions; I was resolved. I was sure that once I focused on my task it would... what? Erase the memories?"

"Not if you don't give them some thought in the first place," I reply. "Mourning isn't just for the memory of the person. It's for yourself as well, to give yourself a chance to let it all out, isn't it? Otherwise it haunts you. Maybe that's what ghosts are."

"I don't believe in ghosts."

"No, but memories can haunt."

Slowly he nods. "Yeah."

I watch him, waiting. He has more to say.

"So many things happened that I wasn't used to. This... sadness. I can't remember the last time I cried. To finally mourn my parents who have been dead ten years, I... it only makes it worse."

Which is why you should have cried that first time, I say silently. But I don't want to preach. I'm here to help him, not to reprimand him for his mistakes. But he sees it in my eyes, and he understands.

"And the anger," he continues, quietly. "Sure, I've felt anger before, lots of times. But I've never felt so... so helpless, so unable to do a thing. Anger and sadness were useless because they didn't change what had happened, so I focused on what could be changed. I gave myself a task, and called it revenge. It wouldn't bring my parents back, but I wanted justice. I want justice."

"And you want to go into law just because of that? When it doesn't even interest you? You're going to give up your life for revenge?"

"I have no life," he snaps. "Itachi took everything from me. I have no interests worth pursuing for a career. Who do you think I am? All I do is homework. I study. I get top marks. I have no friends. My identity was set the day it was stripped from me."

I frown, watching the expression in those eyes. They go cold when he talks about revenge, colder even than when he's in public, when he builds up those walls around him. It's a remorseless ice, a hard fire, and it frightens me. That's not the Sasuke I know. That's not the Sasuke who shows me he loves me, who is selfless and caring and tender-hearted. It's a stranger, a deeper and darker side of him he's never shown me.