Bruises & Bitemarks (SasuNaru)

48.

I – I don't know where to go. What to do. I'm flying down the stairs doing up my pants; I'm vaulting out the door wrenching my shirt over my head. The sky is an angry red on the horizon, dark behind me. I run.

It should be hard to run, with this pain in my chest. It hurts if you run for a long time; it hurts to breathe. So why is it that I feel like I've run a marathon when I've barely even started running yet?

I can hardly tell where I'm going, trying to see through – I don't know what – a strange haze of confusion and terror, as well as tears, tears that I can't stop, that I can barely feel. I run as fast as I can, air tearing at my lungs. I dive through the crowded path, feeling eyes on me, hearing shouts of my name. I can't stop.

I run so fast I'm in a constant state of being about to trip over myself, and yet I keep going and going without ever falling. I climb the big arched bridge in a matter of seconds and tumble down the other side and keep running. I even pass the tree I always climb up. I run to the cliff at the very back of the grounds and collapse in the grass, trying to breathe and tremble and cry all at the same time.

When I can't face something, I run. I can't think when I run fast – but when I stop, everything comes crashing down the same way I fall when I can't run anymore.

I hate this.

I hate the confusion, the fear. I don't know what to do. I don't know how or why or anything. A million questions and no answers at all – Sasuke... Sasuke, why?

The look on his face when he realized something was wrong... I sit up and bury my face in my arms, trying to shut out his image. His eyes... his touch, his smell, his love. Why? Why did he do this?

We never said anything about going too far. It was always understood implicitly. I was always uncomfortable talking about things like that. We were drunk when Sasuke... when he used his mouth, that first time. That one worked out okay; I was drunk, so I granted him more than I might usually have, but it worked out. But it's always been my duty to signal when to move on. He can't – he shouldn't have done this to me.

Why? I always thought he could read me. I thought he knew how I felt, how I would feel if he tried going farther. I'm not ready. We've broken down so many barriers so quickly. I haven't had enough time. Time to adjust, to move on. I wasn't ready, Sasuke. Why did you do this?

The way he reached for me – everything was terror and panic. How could someone I love so much suddenly become someone I fear with all my body? How could he break that trust? I trusted him. I believed in him, believed he wanted my happiness. I thought he cared about how I felt...

My thoughts are reeling, my mind a thunderstorm. I can't make heads or tails of anything. All I know is that I hurt, inside, outside, everywhere, and I can't even think about going back. I'm afraid of Sasuke. I'm so afraid... I'm so tired of this feeling, this helplessness... I'm so tired...

—

I slowly lift my head. My neck is sore; my limbs protest when I move them. It's pitch dark out. My sleeves are soaked with tears and my eyes itch painfully. I rub them, then shudder as more tears begin to stream down my face. I can't deal with this. Everything – it's too much.

Walk, I tell myself. Walk.

My joints scream with hours of tense immobility as I get up. Slowly I start walking.

I feel flat, stretched, like a wrung-out cloth. Misery squeezes my heart, floods my veins. My whole body is aching with something beyond physical pain yet so strong that I can feel it as distinctly as though I've been stabbed. I don't bother trying to stop the tears anymore.