LPS Popular Diaries~College Complications

33~ Body Dysmorphia

~Isabelle~

"Look at you." I told myself in the mirror of the bathroom, pinching the fat of my stomach and scrunching up my nose in utter disgust. "You disgust me you pig." I leaned over the counter a bit to get a closer look of myself in the mirror, and clenched my fists, wanting so badly to punch it.

I've never been happy with my body. I've never had a day where I found myself feeling pleased with the way I look. Everytime someone compliments me or tells me how pretty they think I am, I think they're just trying to be nice.

Why can't I see what they see? They see a beautiful, sweet little girl with the perfect body, but what I see is the complete opposite.

It's hard to live in a world where you can never feel pretty enough. It's hard to live in a world where you feel as though your beauty measures your worth. I believe society has made me this way, has taught me to absolutely despise how I look. Other people may not see what I see, but they don't exaclty know how I feel...

I hide my feelings from others because I'm afraid to face them. I hide my feelings from others because I'm always scared they won't understand. I just want to be like everyone else, because it seems like everyone else is actually excepted in this world.

It's very hard for me to go into public without thinking that people are disgusted by the way I look. It's very hard to live in the human skin, that's why some of us feel the need to tear it open...

I ran my fingers gently down my thighs to feel the cuts and burns that lived there. It's funny how a paper cut or stubbing your toe can feel like the worst pain, but I can put a knife to my skin and feel almost nothing at all...

The phone in my back pocket buzzed, and I jumped, but quickly took it out the read the message I got from Savvy:

Hey girlie, my suspension is officially over! Meet Julian and I in the courtyard and we can catch up!

I smiled and started to walk to the courtyard, deep in thought.

Despite what I was feeling, I'm quite grateful I have Savannah and Julian in my life. I'm sure if it weren't for them, my life would be over by now.

Savannah saved me that day I decided I had enough. I let go of all the fake smiles and just let the tears cover my cheeks. I was about to end it all before she came in.

And Julian... I've had feelings for him for the longest time. I've never really felt that way about anyone before. But of course, I can never tell him that... What would he think of me?

Walking out onto the courtyard, I spotted Savannah sitting at a picnic table, typing away on her phone with Sage standing behind her, his arms around her, playfully kissing her cheek.

Why can't I have what they have? Why can't I have someone who loves me unconditionally? Why can't I have someone look at me the way Sage looks at Savannah? That twinkle in his eyes everytime she says his name, the pink color his cheeks get when she kisses him. I want to experience love like that...

"Izzy!" I heard Savvy call for me, snapping me back into reality. She ushered for me to come over, and I put on a smile and skipped over to her, making me look as happy as can be.

"Where's Julian?" I asked her, sitting down across from her and Sage. "Oh, didn't you hear?" Sage told us. "Apparently he got himself a girlfriend. He's probably somewhere with her."

I gulped, but continued to smile. "Girlfriend?" I questioned. "Wow... I wonder who that could be..."

As if on cue, the courtyard doors swung open and Julian walked out, following Marisa while carrying her books. She sat down at a table with three other girls, and Julian sat her books beside her then he hugged her from behind.

I looked over at Savannah and Sage, their mouths both dropped low in shock. Julian walked over to us and sat down next to me. We spend a good 5 minutes just staring at him in silence, our mouths wide open.

"What?" He finally said, holding his hands up in surrender.

"Really Julian?" Savannah asked. "You and Marisa?"

"Well, we aren't exactly a thing just yet." He said. "But I really like her you guys."

"Marisa is evil." I told him. "How could someone as sweet as you get stuck with someone like her?" You should be with me instead. I thought to myself. Shut up, he'll never love you. Why would he? Marisa is rich, pretty, and popular, everything you're not. You'll never have what they have.

"I know about the things I've said about her in the past, but she's actually really nice once you get to know her." He put his hand on my shoulder in a comforting way and I shivered. "You just have to give her a chance." I looked up at him and studied his face. No. I thought to myself. Don't give me that look. That cute half smile, that glow in your eyes. It only makes me yearn for you more.

"I'm gonna, uh, go to the bathroom..." I said, still in a sort of trance from the way he was looking at me. I quickly stood up, and rushed as quickly as I could to the doors.

Not paying attention, I ran into a tall blond girl, and we both fell to the floor. I sat up and rubbed my head, while she quickly stood up, holding her hand out to help me up.

"I'm so sorry about that." She said. I took her hand and she pulled me up, and once I was back on my two feet once again, I continued to make my way back inside the building, too embarrassed to look back...

{TBC}

Hey lovely readers, I have some exciting news! School ended for me yesterday, and it's officially summer break, which means, I can go back to my usual one chapter every 4 days schedule. Comment any suggestions you might have for the next chapter and I'll publish it on Wednesday. :3