FIRST AND ONLY

CHAPTER 37

CHAPTER 37

“This album and everything in it is dedicated to Lance Agoncillo, my fiancée, we’re getting married next year.”

Have you ever read something that killed you inside? You wish you didn’t but It’s too late.

I was blank for a second. I don’t know what to feel. It was morning but I felt darkness.

I grabbed the Paper Bag and saw 5 different boxes.

It was the very same Boxes I gave Gaile when she was sad, I can still remember it fresh. I called it 5 important things you need in life. There was a small card in it that says “It’s time you play Drew Barrymore,It’s time you use the 5 things in life,you’ll get over it like I did.”

I went downstairs, I saw Che che taking breakfast.

“Eat”. She offered, No Actually she commanded.

I stared at her, this kid, she was right all along, I should’ve listened to her, from the very beginning. Listening for someone younger than you is difficult, for you deal so much with your ego, but then again, it’s not a matter of Ego, it’s a matter of having a “point”. She always had one.

“Don’t start!” She said

“What?!”

“You know I hate it when you stare.”

“You’re a celebrity, it’s not like it’s a rare thing. People always stare at your annoying face.” I teased her and laughed.

“Pathetic. You can still manage to laugh after what happened? I’ll probably buy you a sash later on and I will write MR. PATHETIC 2012, that title fits you.”

I must’ve really annoyed her yesterday, the wholething with Cody, but I didn’t know.

“You know..I shouldn’t apologize for anything cause in the first place you never told me he was your ex. But..I’m sorry. You look like a hurt person. Can you tell me what happened yesterday?”

She really did, she had her eye bags that shouts “I CRIED THE WHOLENIGHT.”

“Can you believe he took his “New Girlfriend” to spend lunch time with us?” she started speaking while spreading the peanut butter into her bread. She sounded serious.

“Oh I see..Jealous?”

She frowned and gave me that dead look while raising the bread knife.

“O---kay, put down the knife!You are not jealous. What on earth was I thinking saying your jealous?Hahaha” I tried to calm her as she drops the bread knife finally.

“So…why’d you two broke up?” I asked.

“It doesn’t matter really what’s the reason for our break up. It’s just that when we see our “Ex” with another boy or girl, we can’t help but feel something…AND I’M NOT JEALOUS.” She clears her throat,avoiding to sound defensive. “but we can’t help but be bothered, because we used to be that boy or girl.”

“…Don’t get me wrong, I’ve forgiven Cody. It takes a heart to forgive and a brain to move on. You lack that Kuya Mac.You can't lose what you never had, you can't keep what's not yours & you can't hold on to something that doesn't want to stay.”

This is the first non-fight and serious conversation with Chelsea, she rarely opens up. She was always mad at the world.

“You’re right. I hate it.” I finally admitted to her.

She gave me a proud smile.

“Kuya Mac…Yes,I’m right. I mean Tell me something I don’t know already.” She says with full gratitude.

Okay,the diva is back. She pours an orange juice to her glass.

And her last statement got me.

“I texted Gaile to greet you “Happy Birthday” nights ago,that’s why she was able to greet you…People lie,cheat and stab you Kuya Mac. There are people who will use you and say they love you even if they don’t. But you can’t let that stop you from living. There are people out there who love you…and would never hurt you. You have to find those people, they’re for keeps.”

For the nth time, this diva kid that’s been annoying me for 4 weeks is again right.

“Okay, do me a favor? Please book me a flight back to Manila tomorrow.” That’s the last thing I said.

Sometimes we wait too long for things that are never going to come. Realizing the person you’ve come to love, doesn’t love you back; There may just be that one person who you’ve spilled your heart out to, but they don’t know it at all. Maybe they do, or maybe your love for them was all just a secret. Coming to realize that the love you’ve given to them won’t be given out is just like a sword piercing through your heart. It leaves a scar that no one can see, especially with that happiness you use to cover it all up in front of others.

How long do you chase somebody? How long do you try to keep a promise that you can’t keep. What do you do if they’re running away from you? I don’t know the answer to any of these questions. I can only tell you what I did and experienced. I know my answers may not have been the right one. Hopefully someone will learn something from my experience.

I promised I would keep chasing her no matter what but I couldn’t. I was getting tired so so very tired. I stopped chasing the moment I found out she was running from me. It’s not right to constantly force someone from you but it’s also not right to let someone constantly chase you and not tell them why you’re running and what you’re running from. One lesson I’ve learned from chasing: Only the one who left has the decision of coming back. At some point you will realize that you have done too much for someone,that the only next possible step to do is to stop. Leave them alone. Walk away.  It’s not like you’re giving up, and it’s not like you shouldn’t try.It’s just that you have to draw the line of determination from desperation. What is truly yours will eventually be yours  and what is not, no matter how hard you try…will never be.

There's a difference between giving up & moving on.

Giving up is when you have a chance to change things, but you think it’s too difficult or not worth the trouble or just stop pursuing something and just give up on the spot.

Moving on is when you realize that you can’t change things or that it’s better that you don’t try any longer giving up or failure isn’t the best option. Moving on is another thing, moving on as in that you wouldn’t look back to the past and that you would be more successful than failure.

Here I am at Mactan Airport waiting for my flight to Manila. For some reason after everything that had happened in this City, Id like to think that it’s a wake up call. Not everything in this trip is actually bad, I bonded with Che che, although most of the time we were arguing, I still in sort of way enjoyed this trip. I still have 15 minutes before boarding. I stared at the paper bag I am holding. I opened the smallest box…It was the recorder. I remember being able to sing my throat out just to cheer Gaile when she was sad. I wonder if it’s still recorded, I pressed play.

I waited for few seconds…It’s blank. It has been deleted. Why would someone keep something like that anyways?

I was about to turn it off when…

“Hey Mckenzie….”

I heard that voice again in the recorder.