Just to Feel | Complete

Chapter 15

The drive home from the cemetery seems to go on forever. Why is it that when you're in a rush to get somewhere, it always feels so much further than it really is?

I need to get to him. I need to get to Christian. It's like a voice in my head, calling me towards him. It seems so loud that I'm sure my dad can hear it too. The urgency is making me feel as if my body is vibrating.

It's late afternoon by the time we finally arrive home. My mind is racing a million miles an hour. Thoughts of Christian overwhelm me. Why am I suddenly feeling so flooded with emotions for him? What about the letter from my mother has brought this on?

My dad parks the car and then turns to face me. As he holds my hand, he says, "Thank you for going with to the cemetery today. It really meant a lot to me."

Looking into his eyes I see a deep sadness. Having lost my mother has taken a huge toll on him. Only now do I notice the slight greying of the hair at his temples, and the fine wrinkles around his eyes. Such sad eyes.

My dad has always stayed faithful to my mother, even after her death. I've never seen him with another woman, or even heard him speak about another woman. It is such a shame that such a handsome man was robbed of the love of his life.

"Is everything okay, Mia? You seem a bit distracted." My dad's voice quickly brings me back to the present, and I wonder if I possibly thought something out loud. "Is your head okay? Gillian tells me you're not giving yourself enough rest, and your stitches still need to stay in for a few days."

But when I look at him, I can see that he's none the wiser to the thoughts running wild in my mind.

"Yes Dad, everything's just perfect." I smile to myself and he seems happy with my answer, "I promise I'll take it easy."

"I'll catch up with you a bit later", I say as I exit the car and begin my search for Christian.

I don't wait for his reply, but I see him smiling and shaking his head as I walk off.

I'm on a mission, I need to find Christian.

I'm guessing that he'll be over by Smokey and Crystal's paddock. But when I get there, he's nowhere to be found. Looking around I notice that his car is not in its usual parking spot.

I'm rather surprised by the depth of my disappointment. When did I start having feelings for him? Why didn't my heart tell my brain sooner?

The sun will soon begin to set and I'm in no mood to go back to the house. I climb up onto the wooden paddock railing, taking in the beauty of my surroundings. I must admit that I love where we live. I love that I'm surrounded by fields of green grass, big trees and our animals. I relate much better to them than people.

"Oh, Mia, what are you doing?", I ask myself aloud. "When did you suddenly develop feelings for Christian? You know that it will never work. What on earth will he ever see in you? You're nothing special and you have nothing but a hardened heart and broken body to offer. Stop fooling yourself and come back to reality. What makes you think that Christian will ever be able to love you? Poor little broken Mia."

"I'd appreciate it if you let me make up my own mind", says Christian from behind. I nearly fell off the railing.

"Where did you come from?!", are the first words I spit out, as I steady myself on the railing.

"I was with Crystal in the barn", he says smiling at me, "She's been in labour since this morning."

I'm dying of embarrassment, wondering just how much he heard.