Just to Feel | Complete

Chapter 9

I can still feel his lips on mine as I run towards the house.

Again, I regret the idea of running. My head is pounding and I can barely see straight. The next thing I know, I'm falling... into someone's arms.

"Mia, are you okay?" It's Christian's gorgeous eyes that meet mine, as I look up to see who the hero is who caught me.

"Where did you come from?" I'm confused and don't quite understand how he was able to catch me.

"Didn't you hear me calling after you?", he asks. Every movement guarded, so aware not to hurt me in any way... or scare me off again.

The previous moments are all a blur. I remember him kissing me, me getting up to run and then me falling into his arms.

"You caught me?" I'm shocked that he could move so fast and amazed at how good his arms feel around me... and there I go again... blushing. I feel like Lois Lane and him being Clark Kent. Ridiculous! Oh girl, get a grip!

"Oh Christian, this is all such a big mess." I'm trying so hard to find a way to convince him that I'm not the one for him, that he's making a huge mistake falling in love with me.

"You deserve someone less complicated, someone with far less baggage than I have." For so long I've wanted for someone to find me, sweep me off my feet and fall in love with me. But now that he's here, I'm trying my hardest to push him away. What is wrong with me?!

"Please Mia, don't push me away", he begs, knowing what I'm doing, knowing that I'm trying to convince myself and him that us being together is a mistake.

"We can be so good together", he continues, choosing his words as wisely as he possibly can. "I know that you've been hurt, I saw it in your eyes the first day we met. But I'm not that type of guy."

I can see that his emotions are genuine. I can see that he really does care for me, every word coming straight from his heart.

"What do you have to lose, Mia?" He asks a question I'm too scared to answer. Falling in love is a reality I'm not sure I'm ready to face right now.

"I'm just too scared." I answer vaguely, but I know that he won't accept it.

"Scared of what? Me?" He seems genuinely hurt that I could think such a thing about him.

"I'm scared of everything!", I spit out, not able to keep my emotions in check any more. "I'm scared of falling in love with you. I'm scared of not falling in love with you. I'm scared of losing you. I'm scared of losing myself. I'm scared of actually feeling something for someone... something other than the hatred I feel for myself. I'm just scared." And before I can stop myself, I'm a crumpled heap on the ground. No strength left in me to stand.

Christian kneels down next to me, and without any words, just holds me.

My body shakes uncontrollably as the many years of pent-up tears and pain eventually set themselves free. Free to escape from the dark corners of my mind, where I've kept them well hidden for so long.

When my shaking subsides and the tears seem to be coming to an end, Christian helps me to my feet. With his fingertips he sweetly wipes the tears from the sides of my face and kisses each eye. As if his kiss could heal them, and stop them from ever crying again.

"Please Christian... I can't", I begin to protest his advances.

"I'll be patient", he promises, "take as long as you need, Mia. I'm not going anywhere. I'll wait for you for as long as it takes. I promise I won't pressure you into doing anything you don't want to."

"I can't promise you anything, Christian. I can't promise that I'll ever be strong enough to let my guard down and let you in." I'm shaking my head but it's more for me than for him. I'm just so confused and scared, all at the same time.

"Relax Mia, there's no time limit on this", he smiles a reassuring smile, "there's no need to make any rash decisions."

He takes my hand and offers his elbow for me to lean my weight on, as he helps me back to the house.

"Can we start off as friends and see where it goes?", he asks, knowing that that it might make me feel more at ease.

"We can try", I offer as an answer, honestly not knowing what tomorrow might bring, and not wanting to break his heart, by making empty promises I know I can't keep.

"Just please be patient with me. There is so much about me that you don't know. So many broken places in me that you won't like very much. So many painful things in my past, that you might not be able to accept about me." If only he knew how I really felt about myself... he'd run a mile.

We walk the rest of the way to the house in silence. All I hear is his calm breathing and the odd sniff coming from me.

My mind is so confused that I feel as if I'm a million miles away, my own sniff catching me off guard.

We enter the house through the backdoor and walk through the kitchen. Gillian stands staring at us as we quietly walk straight past her, not even acknowledging her presence.

Today has just been too much for me. First meeting the beautiful Josh, then my meds induced a freaky dream and now this.

I'm all of a sudden not too sure if the dream ever ended.

Did I just dream what happened between Christian and me?

Christian walks me up the stairs to my bedroom. He sits me down on the bed and takes off my sneakers.

"I hope I didn't scare you too much today?", he smiles sheepishly. "I'm just so happy that you're home safe."

He rises to stand and halfway up places a kiss on my cheek.

"Sleep well, Mia, sweet dreams", he whispers, "I'll see you tomorrow and then we can chat again." He turns to leave the room and I grab his hand.

"Thank you for your honesty, and for trying", I say as he turns his head to look at me again, "I'm not always very approachable... Please don't give up on me."

"You are more amazing than you will ever know, Mia. Now please rest. I'll see you tomorrow." He kisses my hand and turns to walk out of my bedroom, closing the door behind him.

And there I am... alone again.

The silence consumes me and the ugly tape of doubt in my head starts up its looping tune... you're not good enough for him... don't destroy his life too... he deserves better than you... you're not worthy...