Just to Feel | Complete

Chapter 12

It's dark outside as I stare through the wet car window. From my backseat view I see the street lights going by, enjoying the light, dark, light, dark effect that they have on my face. I hear the light patter of rain on the windows and the humming of the windshield wipers as they gently clean the front window.

I love to imagine that I'm a princess in my carriage off on a new adventure to a far-off land. Ready to slay any dragon or fall in love with the handsome prince who promises me the world, and will forever love only me.

I wiggle my fat little feet in excitement. Driving with mommy is always so exciting. I adore my mommy. I love her soft skin and the way she smells, her hands as she plays with my hair, and her smile as I sing-along to Marty and Alex in 'Madagascar'.

We're on our way to granny and grandpa, so I better get ready for loads of snuggles and kisses. It is exciting going to visit them. I always have so much fun there.

Mommy enjoys listening to Carrie Underwood when she drives. She's singing along to her favourite song, 'Jesus take the Wheel'. She's usually so happy when we're driving, but today her voice sounds different when she joins in with "Jesus, take the wheel. Take it from my hands 'cause I can't do this on my own... I'm letting go".

I hum along...

The song changes, but she carries on singing, every now and then stopping to wipe her cheeks. "I wanna feel that way, yeah I wanna hold you close. Oh, if you still love me don't just assume I know..."

The drive seems longer tonight, I don't recognise the houses and stores as we pass them by.

I'm safely strapped in my car seat in the back, holding Teddy and rocking along to the music as it overtakes my thoughts. I close my eyes and imagine I'm a princess in a pretty flowing dress riding the most beautiful black horse I've ever seen. My hair is long and loose, flowing down my back as the wind flicks it up and down. I'm on my way to the castle, to meet my prince.

Mommy's deep sobs bring me back to the present as I hear her whisper along to the words of the song. "I will see you again, oh. This is not where it ends, I will carry you with me, oh 'till I see you again. Sometimes I feel my heart is breaking, but I stay strong and I hold on 'cause I know I will see you again, oh".

Mommy pulls the car off to the side of the road and sits with her head in her hands crying so loudly. I don't know what to do. I'll just sit here quietly in the back, not making a sound.

"What's wrong, Mommy?", I whisper, but mommy doesn't hear me.

"Oh, Jeremy... I miss you", she mumbles into her hands and sobs even deeper, "I miss you so much my little boy... it's killing me".

Who's Jeremy?

I know that mommy's been very sad lately. I often find her in her bedroom crying. I don't let her see me though, I don't want to bother her. I just lovingly blow her kisses from the door. Kisses I'm praying will land on her broken heart.

Mommy was in the hospital before she became so sad, I definitely remember that. She went in all happy and then came home sad. It really didn't make a lot of sense to me. She even looked different before she went to hospital. Her tummy was big and she smiled all the time, but when she came home it was small again... and she was sad.

She and daddy often close the door to have 'grown-up' talks. Talks about things that I mustn't hear. She's always crying when he comes out. She usually cries herself to sleep. I know this because I listen until she's quiet, then I sneak in after she's fallen asleep just to kiss her cheek and tell her that I love her.

Mommy pulls the car back onto the road, still wiping the tears from her face. She looks at me in the backseat and smiles. Her face is so beautiful. I love the way she smiles at me, like I'm the most important person in the world. No one will ever love me as much as my mommy does. She looks just like an angel with the bright white light behind her.

The next thing I hear is the scary sound of screeching brakes and mommy's screams.

Then total darkness.

My eyes are still closed but I hear voices. I know that it's not mommy's.

My eyes shoot open and I search for mommy. All I see are bright lights shining in my eyes and I hurt all over. I want my mommy!

I close my eyes, praying that when I open them again I'll only see mommy. Only hear mommy's voice.

When I open my eyes again everything is quiet. I'm standing at a grave, holding someone's hand. It must be mommy's. Relief flows through me and my smile returns.

When I look up I don't see mommy. I look straight into daddy's wet eyes. Why is he crying? Where is mommy?

He kneels down next to me and gently says, "Say goodbye to mommy, my Angel. We'll see her again one day."

What is he talking about? Where's my mommy?! Then he lets go of my hand to place a single white rose on the coffin being lowered into the ground. Tears are rolling down his cheeks and he seems close to collapsing.

Then it hits me. Mommy is in the coffin. Mommy's gone.

I turn and run, screaming for her. Screaming for my mommy.

"Mommy! Mommy! Where are you?", I scream myself awake. Immediately I'm pulled into strong arms. Strong arms with the promise of never letting go. Strong arms that make me feel safe.

I slowly pull away, only to see my father's face.

The same face I saw in my dreams. A face still streaked with tears. Tears for a daughter whose mother will never return. Tears for his wife forever gone.

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I hope that you enjoyed this chapter. It was more difficult to write than I thought it would be.

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