Just to Feel | Complete

Chapter 4

It's a new day, but the pain and sadness is still here. Last night really took its toll as I relived that nightmare. When will I ever stop beating myself up for being taken for such a fool?! How could I have let that happen? How could I have been so weak?!

So much was stolen from me that night. My innocence, my self-respect... my unborn child.

I will never forgive Dylan, for as long as I live. My hatred for him grows deeper and stronger with every breath that I take. I hate him with all of my being, with all that I am. I made a promise to myself that he will pay for what he has done to me. And believe me, he will, make no mistake about it!

It's Saturday. I drag myself out of bed. I'm so not in the mood for another weekend stuck at home... alone.

My father is probably still away or at his townhouse in the city. I wonder what it must be like to have a father who's actually present in your life? Not just someone who gave you his last name, and ensures that you have a roof over your head. I wonder what it's like to have siblings? I wonder what it's like to have anyone, actually?

I can't remember a time when I wasn't so alone or felt so lonely. Until now, I never understood how those two things could be different. You don't have to be alone to feel lonely. I often feel lonely in a crowd. No one understands me. No one understands my life and the sadness I feel... all of the time. No one could ever understand the unspeakable pain I've been through. There's this aching in my heart and pain in my chest that just won't stop. I've tried everything to ease it. Even taking some drastic measures.

I decide to take a walk around the grounds. It's a beautiful day... not that I really notice. I have this grey cloud constantly hanging over me. Numb.

I see the squirrels scrambling up a nearby tree collecting nuts, every now and then they pause as they watch me pass by. I wonder if they also feel pain or sadness?

I see Christian over by the horses, giving them fresh water and hay. Why is he always so damn happy? I never see him without a smile on his face. It must be exhausting to be so joyful all of the time.

I wait until he finishes before I slowly walk over to the paddock.

Wow, what a regal and powerful animal. I haven't told anyone, but I love the horses and feel better just being close to them. They always seem so free, even though they're stuck in their paddock. There are two of them, so they at least have a partner. It must be so amazing to know that you're not alone. Someone is there with you, loving you, keeping you safe.

I squeeze between the wooden slats of the paddock fence, and carefully walk over to the horses. Their tails are swatting away the flies and bugs, but they don't seem bothered at all.

Christian has warned me to be careful of the black stallion, Smokey, as he hasn't been broken in yet. He doesn't look too wild. I'm sure that Christian's just being extra cautious. He is such a softy, always concerned with everyone's safety, not just the horses'.

I edge closer to Smokey, dying to gently touch his soft skin. I love the way he glistens in the sun, especially after he's had a hard run or workout.

I just want to feel close to something, feel something...

I slowly stretch out my hand towards his front leg. His eyes dart my way. Oh no! I must have scared him. He rears up on his hind legs and kicks out his front legs.

I'm too close! I see his hoof heading in my direction, but I'm too late to duck. And then... darkness.

**********

The pain is unbearable. I taste blood, and my head feels so heavy. I try to move but I can't. Why?

I open my eyes to see Christian hovering over me, his phone stuck to his ear. He is speaking so fast. I can't keep up with what he's saying, to whoever is on the other end. I can only move my eyes, as everything else hurts. I see that I'm surrounded by two paramedics and Gillian. Why is she crying?

I'm strapped to a backboard and I have a drip in my right arm. What happened?!

Then I remember... Smokey. I hope that he's alright. I didn't mean to frighten him. It was my fault, not his. I invaded his space. I know how I hate it when others do that to me. I should have respected that the paddock was his safe haven, one which I had encroached upon. I know that he's only a horse, but he's the closest thing that I have to a friend...

I'm jolted back to reality when the paramedics lift me up and place me into the back of an ambulance. The sirens are wailing.

The medication in the drip is clearly for pain, because I don't feel much of anything. Spacey and woozy are all that I feel. I just want to sleep, but the damn paramedic keeps talking to me. She just won't shut up! Can't she see that I'm tired? All I hear her say is, "Stay with me, Mia. Keep your eyes open Mia! Do you know what happened? What can you remember?" She just keeps going on and on and on.

The ride feels like an eternity. And yes, she never stopped speaking. I eventually tune her out and just enjoy the feeling of the medication coursing through my veins, washing away the pain. All of the pain. Making me feel good.

We arrive at the hospital and I'm rushed in. So much fuss. However, now I don't feel so good, my head starts to throb. I don't know if it's from Smokey or the damn paramedic and her incessant babbling.

Once through the emergency entrance, they put me on a gurney and start running. All I see are the lights in the ceiling and the odd head bobbing in front of me, as they scream orders to one another.

Things start going blurry and their voices start fading. So do the lights. I'm... really... tired.

Then total darkness.