Just to Feel | Complete

Chapter 27

Dear Melissa

I am a stranger to you, but I know your story far too well. More importantly, I know what you've been struggling with. The lies you've been conditioned to believe. Your daily torment and hell. I know that tape that plays in your mind rather intimately. You see, mine used to play the same tune... spitting out the same lies. Time after time. You become so used to the tape playing, that you no longer need to hear it to believe it. Like a mantra that recites on a never ending loop in your mind. All day. All night.

I've seen the scars on your arms, but I don't judge you. Who am I to think myself better than you, to do that? We need to realise that not all of our scars are visible. Each battle has a different scar. Some physical. Some mental. Some deeper than others. Worst case scenario, both. I'm guessing that, much like me, your scars fall into the latter department. You've been scarred deep to your core. So often, that the wound no longer knows how to heal. So deep, that you've become numb. Devoid of any emotion or regard for your own physical well-being. Your eyes have lost their sparkle, and your hair isn't as lush as it used to be. You barely eat, and when you do, it's hardly a handful, that threatens to evacuate itself as soon as you've swallowed.

Sleep. What's that? I'm sure you can scarcely remember when last you had a good night's rest. One that didn't involve you waking up to the sound of your own screams. Sweat dripping off your body. Every part of you screaming for you to find the 'release'. You can already see yourself... collapsed in the cold bathroom, lifeblood dripping on the floor. Your mind is screaming for you to 'find the blade', when it can't cope anymore. Your body screams for its sweet sting as it breaks your flesh, releasing the bad part of you.

I want you to know that I know these screams in the middle of the night. The urge that wakes you when you least expect it. The pain that feels as if it's inside of you and outside, all at the same time. The feeling that you are going insane and no one else understands. No one else even cares. You pray for 'the end', but fear it most, all at once. You're hot when it's cold and cold when it's hot. You feel lonely in a crowd. Somehow invisible in life's hustle and bustle to 'do this', 'do that', 'achieve this', 'look like that'. Pray for day when it's night, but dread seeing the sun come up, knowing that you need to face yet another day of fear, pain and struggle. If only we could pause life until we have it all figured out...

I am here. You are no longer alone. I am the voice for you to listen for, when you hear the tape start playing on loop and you can't take it any longer. I'm the hand for you to hold, when you can't face another day or night with crippling fear. I'm the shoulder to cry on, when you think no one else cares or understands. But most importantly, I am the number you dial when the hurt needs a release. You no longer need to turn to hurting yourself. How has hurt ever healed pain? Pain is eased by acceptance, understanding, support and love.

I am here to tell you that I accept you. Broken as you are. Unconditionally. And I promise to never leave you. And as you start to feel loved again, your walls will tumble down, and you'll slay that dragon.

Yours in healing,

Mia

I sit at my office workstation, wiping at the tears that have dampened my cheeks. I can't even remember when they first arrived. All that I know is that the Melissa in me needed me to write that letter. The Melissa in me needs to let go of all the pain, hurt and guilt bottled up inside. It's time that I let someone in, I can't do this alone.

"Looking for sympathy again, Mia?", a wicked male voice whispers in my ear. I don't need to turn around to know its owner. There is only one demon terrorising me. "I hope you don't think your empty, fake tears will earn you the intern spot. It's as good as mine. My father would never select you over me. Everyone knows it's just mere formalities that there are even six interns to begin with. My father needs to keep the board of directors happy with this fake competition. We're all just playing along." His low sneer makes my flesh crawl, and it takes all the power within me to not swivel around on my chair and slap him in his repulsive, condescending face.

Then another switch goes on... and a new tape starts to play in my head. "Poor Dylan! Feeling threatened much?" I decide to fight fire with fire. Who does he think he is? I've had enough. "Do you really think you have more talent than me? Do you even know how to spell, Dylan? After all, I don't remember you graduating. But then again, I wasn't really paying you much attention at school. I thought of you as a waste of time to be honest. You really weren't up to my standards. And if truth be told, I found you rather lacking in some areas..." My face beams as I paste my most sincere, innocent smile on my face and swivel in my chair to face him. Not today buddy, you will not break me today.

The look of arrogance slowly changes to shock as he registers my comeback. "This is not the end of it", he spits through clenched teeth. "You. Will. Pay. Mark my words, Mia. You will look back on this very moment and cry, realising that it's when you signed your very own termination. Your time at Kepler Publishing was hanging on by a thread... and it just broke! It is going to be so satisfying to watch you pack up your desk and walk out of the door with your head hanging low. Poor Mia, beaten by me... again. You are nothing in my world, Mia. You are not even a speck of dust worthy of clinging to my shoe. I can't wait to see the look of defeat in your face, know that once again... I win!" Dylan is shaking he's so angry. His face is centimetres away from mine as he finished launching his attack.

I decide to throw some fuel on the fire as I slowly stand up out of my chair, my smile still neatly in place. "If you say so, Dylan. We'll see...", I answer while shrugging and then politely proceed to pat him on the head while adding, "there's no need to be so angry all of the time. You'll give yourself ulcers if you carry on like that. You should really make an appointment to speak to someone about your anger issues... and your insecurity. You really have been struggling with that since school, have you not?" Only once I turn to calmly walk away, do I notice that all the interns witnessed our exchange and are quietly snickering. Arielle's mouth hangs open, as I hook my arm in hers and lead her to the canteen.

"Holy cow!", Arielle shrieks as we arrive at an empty canteen area. "That was incredible!" She's hopping on the spot like the Energizer Bunny and seeing her act like this, makes me laugh out loud.

"I've just had enough", I admit to Arielle after all the squealing and jumping ends. "He's so mean and disrespectful to others. He thinks he can break me, but he can't break my spirit. It's about time someone stands up to him and puts him in his place. He thinks he's better than us, just because his father owns the company. I see how he pushes everyone around. He's a bully and I refuse to tolerate it any longer."

"You are my hero", Arielle fake bows to me, "I've been trying to work up the courage to stand up to him, but I just can't do it. Thank you for what you just did. All jokes aside. It was way past due that someone stands up to Dylan." Over lunch, Arielle and I talk a bit more about our assignment pieces, before heading back to our workstations.

It is with great relief that Dylan doesn't return all afternoon and I'm left in peace to add my last few tweaks to my assignment before leaving for the day.

Arielle and I walk to our cars together after work, our last bit of girl talk until tomorrow. She pulls out of the parking lot as I turn to get into my car. It's then that I see the note on my front windshield...

"This isn't over, bitch!", it says and I only need one guess to know who it's from.