Stay

twenty three

"I'm sorry but I fell in love tonight. I didn't mean to fall in love tonight." Halsey, Is There Somewhere

Gaudy eyes. Chapped lips. Pale speckled skin. Hair matted against my skull. I am physically and emotionally a mess, but there is nothing to be done about it. Sighing, I reach my hands underneath the numbingly frigid flow of water and splash my face repeatedly. If I could I'd just skip out on school today I most definitely would, but as life has it it's the second semester of my senior year and I need to actually show up. I shouldn't let a relationship or lack thereof stop me from getting good enough grades for university. No matter how awful and hurt I feel.

Stretching, I futilely attempt to remove the cranks in my neck. I slept horribly last night despite taking Lou's offer to sleep on her comfortable bed. My mind was overflowed with thoughts as I tossed and turned the entire night. I left my mom a cryptic text that I was safe and with Lou late last night before leaving my phone on do not disturb. I'm hoping to not have to face Justin in school, but since I know him I know that he won't leave me alone until we talk. But I've had enough talking with people and I only learn things that break me.

"Hope you're dressed doll or we're gonna be late!" Lou's once again glittery voice chirps through the bathroom door. I smile at her ability to be positive despite her pain. That was never something I had ever managed, being able to fake happiness or muster up joy through the darkest of moments. When I feel emotions I experience them full-fledged and wholeheartedly.

I'm never just happy I'm ecstatic. It's as if the whole world has brightened and everything is cloaked in a beautiful melody. But, when I'm upset I am a tidal wave of suppressed thoughts and emotions that resembles an overfilled glass; a risk of tumultuous water overflow. I drown in my sorrows and my glass is never just half empty it's an echoing vast of loneliness and pain.

I have never known a healthy balance between those emotions until Justin forced himself into my space and life. He centers me, puts me back on course when I stumble too far. He perfectly blends the colors of my life into a beautiful, healthy hue. But now I don't know the difference between red and blue and I'm so far from where I'm supposed to be that I can't tell if there's even a course for me.

"I'm coming!" I yell, running Lou's brush through my scattered hair and strolling out of the bathroom. We stopped at my house yesterday so that I could grab an extra set of clothes and my book-bag. I follow Lou out to her car and slide into the passenger seat. I'm praying that I can survive this day and deal with the aftermath of my actions towards Alex once I get home. 8 hours. 480 minutes. 28,800 seconds. That's how long a school day is and also how long I have to continue avoiding Justin for as long as humanly possible.

Ready, set, go.

***

The school is buzzing when we get there. There are people whispering everywhere, others are having loud, raucous conversations as they yell across the hallway, and others are just staring. Everyone knows about Lou and Gracson's split, I'm not sure if they know that I kind of sort of broke up with Justin, and the baseball team's first game is this Saturday. Any of those things could be making everyone this inane. A lot has been going on this week.

My eyes keep darting everywhere and I am so anxiety driven by the prospect of seeing Justin. A part of me, as much as I hate to admit it, wants to see him. Desperate even to see him. To listen to what he has to say. To forgive him. To apologize for the way I acted and how I always manage to push every single person away. But an even larger part of me wants him to stay away. I want to sort through these muddled emotions without letting my love for him cloud my judgment. Because despite how I feel for him he lied to me and I don't know what he could say that would ever make that okay.