Stay

nine

"I've got no one to hold me, cause I turn them all away. God, I wish I could love you." -Gnash ft Wrenn, Fragile

pic: Daniel Sharman cast as Gracson Lewis

"I'm wondering if I should be meeting this boy you've been hanging around," My mom tuts, immediately making my head swiveled towards her. Her hair is slicked back in a tight ponytail and her ruby red lips were pursed. She had been dashing all around the house, cleaning and nagging constantly. She's been on edge more than usual lately and I swear we have a conversation involving Justin multiple times a day.

"It's not that big of a deal!" I groan, "he's just a friend of mine!"

"You haven't had friends in years!" My mother accuses. I clench my fists and try really hard to not get myself into trouble.

"You know exactly why that is," I say quietly. "Besides, instead of questioning things so much, why can't you just be happy for me?" I ask in exasperation.

"I am happy for you! I'm just cautious you know? How well do you know these people? And this Justin boy?"

"They're good people!" I yell at her in frustration. "God, how many times do I have to say that? I am almost eighteen years old, mom! I'm more than capable of making my own decisions. Just let me to live my life for once and not be so afraid of me making mistakes!" I cry out, frustrated tears pooling in my eyes. I hate that she doesn't trust me to make smart choices. I wasn't the one who betrayed her trust. It wasn't me who fell into a bad crowd that ultimately set off a chain of events that tore everything apart. I am still paying for Alex's mistakes and I am goddamn tired of it. My mom is so terrified of me making the same mistakes as him and in return makes me afraid to live my own life. But things need to change.

"I know that you are capable of making good decisions! But I also know how easy it is to choose the wrong path despite your good intentions! I'm just looking out for you, why don't you understand that?" I watched as her lipstick stained lips that were now smeared trembled as tears streamed down her rosy cheeks. I sigh deeply, feeling my hands shake along with my emotions. I hated to see her cry. It was far from my intentions to make her crumble in front of me. I shove away from the dining room table and walk towards her before wrapping her in a comforting hug. This reminded me of all the times her and dad would fight and I'd comfort her after he got pissed off and left us all night. I would soothe back down her obsidian hair and wrap my arms around her tight, wanting to eliminate all the hurt he inflicted. Her frail shoulders would cave in and shake, and I would coo at her like a mother would her child as our respective roles reversed. Now I was the cause of her tears. And that made me feel sick.

"It's just, I just love you and I can't lose you too Lilly. And I'll be damned if you fuck up and I could have prevented it. Your dad leaving was my fault, and it was both his and my fault that Alex has ended up where he is now. But things can be different with you. They have to be," Her body quivered as she pulled back from me, her brown eyes that swam in tears locking on me in determination.

"You know that I won't do anything like that. I think I have proven that by now. You can't hold on and control every little thing in my life forever mom. I know you worry and it's because you care, but I'm just asking for your complete trust. Allow me to choose right from wrong. Mistakes aren't all necessarily bad. I won't learn any other way."

"I know but-"

"Mom," I stress, "please just promise that you'll trust me."

"I do trust you. I just don't trust that everyone in your life will have good intentions."

"Let me be the judge of that. Now come on. You were ready and looked beautiful until you ruined your makeup. Now go!" I laugh, shooing her back up the stairs to fix herself after her emotional spell. I was extremely happy and relieved that we finally broke the silence between us and discussed some things that were long past due. There were many conversations we still needed to have but I am content with the place we are currently at. I hope she does choose to trust me more. I also need to invite Justin and everyone over soon so she can meet them and be more comfortable with me leaving the house to hang with them. I'm afraid though.