Stay

eleven

"I've been lying in my bed wishing I had never woken, begging god to rid my head of every word you've ever spoken.

I thought about the call where you said you'd always love me, do you not tell the truth at all?

Cause you knew what you were doing and you know just what you've done." -Front Porch Step, Drown

pic is of Holland Roden cast as Louisa Denerise

This fluttering in my chest is an inexplicably intoxicating feeling. The rising heat on my skin from your scorching gaze is consistent. The raised bumps on my arms from your touch are indicators that your presence alters my body and mind. I fall asleep to your image in my mind and I crave to hear your gentle voice. You haunt my thoughts and your lips paint my dreams. You terrify and thrill me all at once.

I wonder what would happen if I decided to close the space separating you and I. To cross that line into an unknown abyss where things could be beautiful or undeniably tragic. Because I want a taste of you and what we could ever possibly be,

but whether you are poison or heaven is still unknown to me. But I refuse to let another person joy ride into my life only to leave on the same specs they rendered me to. Because although I was broken before,

you have the capacity to shatter me.

I glance up from the paper to see Justin peering at me curiously. I blush profusely, quickly closing the notebook. As if I'd be able to write knowing he was looking at me. Justin has the ability to make my mind go completely blank and utterly useless when it comes to writing.

And writing with him on my mind while also being sat across from me was a recipe for disaster. I couldn't focus on anything but him and I swear it felt like his stare was seared into my skin. Lunch felt uncharacteristically quiet since Jasmine was making up a test, Lou was nowhere to be found, Shane decided to dip, Gracson looked pissed, and Amiyah was just content on her phone. Things were pretty chill and uneventful today.

The weather is cooling quickly, and I felt a slight chill on the way to school today. Winter will be here before we all know it since the seasons tend to change in fast currents. It's crazy to think we will all be graduating soon and taking the next step into our lives. I've actually been trying my hardest to focus on my grades after I promised by mom, and I think I could get into a decent college if I really wanted, and I've already started to fill out an application to the community college. I'm stepping forward with everyone else around me and haven't felt this content in a while.

"Am I still coming over after school today to help you study for your Economics test?" Justin asks, leaning over the lunch table.

"Yes, you are!" I exclaim, "My mom has literally been pestering me about my grade in there and is banking on me passing this test."

"Well I'll help you study since I had the highest grade in that class, not to brag or anything," Justin smirks, dodging the grape I threw at him.

"Stop it you cocky little shit! We know you're a supposed genius and everything, but..." I trail off, making a point of looking him over. My eyes linger on his toned biceps and I'm suddenly catapulted back to my front foyer with Justin's unique scent and arms enveloping me. I want to feel him surrounding me again. I want to be close enough to count his six freckles that are disappearing as quickly as the warm weather and be a whisper away from his lips.

I just want him. And that terrifies me because the last time I wanted someone I was left and soon forgotten, like an old book you briefly read once before forgetting every single character and soon giving up and leaving it to collect dust on your shelf.