Beyond Repair

Chapter 28: Is the Past Really Gone?

Guilt sucks. I hate guilt. I wish I couldn't feel anything, life would be so much easier. I wouldn't have a care in the world. I felt guilty for yelling at them but I wasn't ready to apologize. I'm so sick of always apologizing. I'm sick of it.

My brothers don't come to see me. They don't even bother me the entire day. As usual, they stick together and pick each other over me. That's how it always was and always will be. I stare at the wall and head to my bathroom. As I'm sitting in there, I feel more and more numb. I need to feel something again instead of this guilt...it's eating me alive.

I grab the blade and I shred and shred into my skin. When I pull back, every inch of it is bleeding. I smile, tears still streaming down my face. The pain is almost exhilarating. When you feel guilty or sad, anything that can take your mind away is a good thing. I watch the crimson blood slide down my thigh. I noticed my cuts were deeper this time, I didn't even notice until now. Maybe I just need to do one final cut on my wrist. I can cut down, harder to stitch up, and just let it end. I hold the blade above my vein on my wrist and contemplate. Then my heart stops.

"Paisley let's talk," Evans voice comes from the bedroom door and I clean in a hurry. I grab some old sweat pants from my hamper and pull them on and throw the blades under the sink counter. I open the door just as he walks in.

"What do you want?" I ask harshly and he sighs.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean it."

"No you did."

"Nothings going on with me and Katrina."

"Oh really?" I snap and he nods.

"Yes."

"Somehow I don't believe you."

"Paisley you don't understand-"

"You're right, I don't understand why you made the same mistake again? Did last year mean nothing to you!"

"Paisley, Katrina and I have something special."

"Something special?"

He nods, "I think it's love. When we kissed all the feelings came back. I guess I love her."

My heart sank.

"What if I still love Eric?"

He scoffs, "You don't."

"Oh yeah?"

"Come on Paisley--"

"We kissed!"

Evans eyes go wide, "You what?!"

I nod, "Yep at the company party. I walked up and kissed him. I felt all the feelings as well but am I with him? No I'm not because I know how to control myself. He even gifted me this sweet ruby necklace in honor of mom but I still have not taken him back. Unlike you, I learned a few things from last year!"

Evan gets angry, "I'm gonna murder him!"

"Murder me first."

"Paisley--"

"Besides you have Katrina, why do you care? You can't kiss your ex who made my life miserable but then get mad at me for doing the same thing. Stop being a fucking hypocrite!"

"You're right," I hear him whisper and sink down on my bed, "I can't be mad at you for doing the same thing I did."

"Maybe I should've died with her. Life would've been better," I say softly and sink next to him. Evan places an arm around me.

"I know you don't believe me but I am so thankful you didn't die. My life would suck without you. I don't want to do anything to jeopardize that and kissing Katrina did. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have kissed her back."

"I shouldn't have kissed Eric back."

Evan nods, "Can we just forget the past and move on?"

I smile, "Of course."

I feel the blood soak my sweats. The past isn't gone but they don't need to know that.

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New upload, I know it's been about a week but I'll try to upload more:) Anyway thanks for reading. Please vote and follow me:) Thanks.

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