I Needed to, I Had to

Kevin's Past [M&T]

A/N: this chapter is going to be a flashback on some episode of Kevin's past. So people would understand better how he end up being who he is. This chapter drained all my energy, I had to fight back tears at sometimes , I put the trigger warning for a reason even if I made it once again less intense that I first thought about it because I couldn't (YES, I AM A EMOTIONAL MESS)  The dialogs like this  are in Chinese. 

*Kevin's POV*

"GO AWAY FROM ME! GO IN YOUR ROOM.

-But...

-PUT YOUR FACE OUT OF MY VIEW!" I back away and run out of the room. I close the door behind me and run to my room, where I sit on the floor.

            I look at my shoes, they are red and blue, mommy's favorite colors. I wanted to show them to her but this didn't make her smile neither. Mommy never smile, I just want to see how a smile would be on her face. She always is crying and yelling at me. She said she hate my face, she say that she wish I was born to look like her or to be ugly instead of how I was born. Mommy never touch me like the other mothers do at school for the other kids. I never get kisses and hugs, I never get any congratulations when I get a golden stars from the teacher. Maybe if I get more stars I will get a pat on the head. Maybe I will get a kind word.

            I get up and put out some over used pencils and a piece of paper. I draw Mommy and I in the garden with a dog. I always wanted a dog but mommy said it is a burden and she hated burden. She said I was a burden too, I don't understand what it means. Does it mean that I am dog? Should I sit on her laps and lick her face so she would stroke my hair like people do with their dogs?

         I draw our little house with its white walls. I draw the little apple tree of our garden and look at my master piece. I heard the teacher said that a master piece was giving people feelings. Mommy will have feelings and I will have hugs.

           I get up with my drawing, take the mask on the table and put it on. Mommy can tolerate my face when I wear the mask, so I have to wear it. I forgot it sooner and she snapped at me. I'm dumb, I shouldn't forget my mask or mommy will be very upset. I run to her bedroom where she is still sat at her desk, the same glass of wine in hand. She said wine is medecine to her, so she drinks it everyday at every hour. Mommy said she is sick because of me and her body is not same since she gave me birth. It's my fault mommy is sad, so I want to make her smile.

           As my step can be heard she turns toward me, her face expressionless. She looks at me from head to toe before turning back away from me.

"I thought I had told you to stay in your room. Why can't you obey just once? Why are you defying me?!"  Her toned becomes more harsh with each words. I hesitantly went toward her and put the drawing on the desk next to her.

"I have made a drawing for mommy so she can smile." Her look goes to the draws before she holds it with both hand and rips it apart. I stay silence, I did wrong, I made mommy more upset. She won't smile now, all because of me, always because of me.

"Do you feel nice reminding me how miserable I am? Just because of you! If it wasn't for you my life would have been perfect! You want me to smile? Then disappear from my life!" She gets up, take her coat and as every nights she leaves me alone in the house, slamming the door shut.