used to be my least favorite part of the day
for when we'd break away i'd break to the library.
and when it was closed - which happened to be a lot - my refuge was the bathroom behind locked doors
away from the people who would swim to the shore for
i couldn't but now i can. i'm trying now.
my solemn face is now shaped into a smile
a grin so wide i think i could win anything.
but not your heart. no
when i walked into that library full of books
i disguised myself as work and a content look like "this is what i wanted to be doing with my life".
day after day and morning after
morning i hid myself into my phone and tucked my broken heart away into my sturdy bones.
my bones are brittle now. they're rotting in the love my friends gave me
- the happiest looks and reasons to laugh.
when i walk into that busy place full of people which i hate i don't even
look
at you
not once. my eyes cast down and my doubt surfaces i
try not to frown from the discomfort of walking straight toward you.
my bones are drowning in consciousness. no i am not weak i am strong. i never have been small.
not even when
i slid into the library doors which opened with a creak.
not even when
the bathroom was crowded and surging with teenage girls
all glancing at me in a way
that screamed "who are you" but spoken
with a soft plea like "i'm sorry
this is what we put you through."
NO I AM NOT WEAK. i am strong the strongest there is. i face my fears in the unnatural daylight and give my heart
-and mind -
a little fright from just seeing your face
how it looks like you've been resting well but clouded with questions since the day we met.
NO I AM NOT WEAK. my happiness will not relate to you in any way my day
is filled with good moments and bad
but that's how it is when you're clinically sad.
it hurts like a knife but feels like a hug. whenever you see me you must think "that girl is drugged".
drugged with sadness drugged with helplessness
yes.
drugged with forever fatigue and lonesome feelings of you without me.
I AM NOT WEAK. but yet every time i see you or see him or see them or see anyone who remotely knows me
no
knows OF me i feel insecure and inferior. I AM NOT WEAK. my meekness is sometimes
a gift which is gracious
a trait which is kind.
I AM NOT WEAK. i am fixing myself
but I WAS NEVER BROKEN TO BEGIN WITH.
no matter where i retreat to at lunchtime i am
me and i am made of solely beauty.
- an indescribable strangeness that is strong. i am strong.
i am not weak.
inspired by the lovely, one and only, flowerbreath
(i've been reading their poetry all day hahahaha oops)
