The Diary Project 2-Relationships

6-15-11 I need a break

I need a break. I need some time off from Thomas. It's all too much for me. I love him so much & I want to help him & I'm trying so hard to be more spiritual when I deal w/ people...but I can't around him. He makes it so difficult on me. I don't know what to do or how to understand it. It's so hard to help him or show him how much I care & how I'm changing for him when he refuses to be the bigger man & doesn't try to understand where people are coming from. Especially me. I mean, I've never tried to hurt him badly or insult him, and yet he goes off and never defends me or sticks up for me, and calls me a selfish, self-centered bitch basically. I've ALWAYS made people see the good in him & I've been trying to work around his faults. But all he sees are mine. I never really believed him when he told me he loved me, but now it's clear to me. it's just like me & Keith, only I'm Keith & Thomas is me: only concerned w/ himself & using me. I don't think he'll ever care about me like I do him.

And after that nasty text message, I see that he has a lot of growing up & maturing to do. I'm SO upset & hurt & un-trusting of him now. Never EVER in a million years did I think Thomas would insult me & hurt me as badly as he has. I don't trust him & don't believe him anymore & most of all, I don't know him anymore. That sounded SO unlike him...I guess I was fooling myself all along. The advice I've been getting is to talk to him, but leave it at that. I don't know what to do though. I'm so unsure & confused. I want to work through this & love him & want to be with him, but then again, if he's not the person I think he is & his family dislikes me...I just don't know.  And yet deep down, like my father said, I do know what to do. And like I told Thomas, I know EXACTLY what to do. I have to leave and stop this. My dad says "take control & stop getting hurt".

So that's what I'm going to do> I'm writing him a letter explaining everything & hopefully I can talk to him face to face tomorrow after church & tell him very clearly how much he hurt me and that while I still love/want him, he showed me that I need to back off and let him mature b/c I have no idea if he's going to do that to me again. I can't keep riding this roller-coaster of sweet Thomas-angry Thomas. Plus, the light is gone from his eyes whenever he looks at me. it's like I'm not even there anymore. It's so depressing right now...I'm invisible to him.

-Rane C.

[Before this entry, a couple days maybe, Thomas & I got in this HUGE fight (our first) and a lot of people got unnecessarily involved in it because it was over Thomas' younger sister and the next morning I woke up to the nastiest text message I've ever recieved, even to this day. We didn't speak to each other for a week and avoided each other at church. That fight and text message is the reason for this entry.]