The Diary Project 2-Relationships

6-28-10 He pulls me in so close

Talia and the Ablanos' and all them who went camping got back two days ago. Talia & I have talked a lil bit, the first being last night for 2 hrs getting caught up & all that. It's weird, I've been trying to come out a changed woman at the end of everything from the last year and yet, I'm suddenly faced w/ all the emotional pain and crap that I'm trying to leave behind  as soon as Talia comes back. I mean, I'm forced to relive Keith AND remember how much I like Thomas the 1st conversation we have in a week & a half! I mean, c'mon! So I'm trying my best but it's going to be harder than I thought because I have to keep it all in and listen to Talia's boy talk when I'm not letting myself go down road *sigh* I can sometimes see Neese's point about not wanting to talk about guys. But that's because I had guys who liked me & she didn't...most likely lol.

Anyways, on happier news, Ginger & I are bonding and getting closer. This past week we've been volunteering together and talking about music and our stories and I actually just got done today w/ rereading her latest story and being her editor. I'll start on the grammar & spelling this week when I go over to her house and I'll give her some things to think about because right now it's all just a rough rough outline, maybe a sketch, but definitely not concrete cuz little things don't add up within the storyline. But that's what I'm here for! :D I've realized that the only people I actually have fun w/ & want to truly hang around/out w/ are Ginger, Talia, Rae, Brad, Thomas, (although I don't know how much that's changed since everything's gone down), and sometimes Tony. But that's it! Four people and half of two! But then again, I'm a loner by nature, so I guess it's not that surprising. [That hasn't changed. I have one friend right now.]

Ugh! No matter what I do, where I go, or what I try to think about, I always circle back to Thomas! It is so frustrating. And it's the things that I dwell on that make me like him more too! I keep remembering things like when we were volunteering & I went to go get something cuz Thomas forced me to and when I got back, he had left a daisy on my seat b/c I had said I liked them on our way in. It was so friggin sweet! I know I wrote in past entries that it was mostly sexual attraction between us, but that was not all of it. He still would tell me that all he needed to be happy was me smiling and I would tell him that I'd be sad if he was sad. And I just keep remembering other little sweet & nice things he did before we got really strict w/ ourselves. He would talk about how he wasn't used to someone liking him & caring about him & I'd say that I would wait 'till he got used to it and until then he should just enjoy the surprise.

And I think too of how his arms feel around me & how much I love his hugs. I mean, I thought Keith's were the best, but really, Thomas' are. He pulls me in close so there isn't and never could be any room between us and his arms going down & around my waist and his hands sliding up & down my back & sides. My head against his chest, his warm, broad chest, feeling like it belongs there and my arms around his neck, his head coming down on top of mine and us just standing there, breathing in and out together. Then he'd whisper something or I'd say "don't let go" and we'd look at each other and smile.

I'd always have to look away first because there'd be too much emotion and I'd feel him wanting to kiss me or me wanting to say something stupid like "I love you" and if one of those two happened, we'd both be embarrassed and who knows what would have happened. But it's stuff like that I can't forget no matter how much I want. And there's another thing I can't let go of: the recording on my phone labeled "Surprise". He recorded 10 things he liked about me on my phone and even though he has a totally naturally neutral voice tone, I love it because it sounds real, like all of it was true and he meant all of it. I just don't have the heart to delete it. I think I'll put it on one of my flashdrives & save it there & then get rid of it on my phone. [Unfortunately, that never happened. Before I could do that, I had to trade it in to get a new one. I was so upset when I realized that.]

Poof. I haven't listened to it or looked at pictures of him or dwelled on anything too long because I know that it will not help me to...unattach myself gracefully from him. I don't think I'll force myself to move on as rashly as w/ Keith (I  learned my lesson) but I will continue to separate myself emotionally, as far as I can while still being friends w/ him. It'll take some time, but this way I'll be myself.

-Rane C.